I gravitate toward strong women. I grew up in a matriarchy and married into a matriarchy. In my bouts of therapy, I’ve always gone on and on about my mother’s power.
My wife’s older sister is the strongest in her clan and though we get along great, now and then I bridle. We were at a vacation house recently when she asseverated that golf is not a sport, it’s an activity. I asked her to go through the list of activities, not sports (cards, crosswords, billiards—anything you can smoke while doing) and generally agreed with her but I said firmly that golf is not an activity, it is a demanding sport and when she perseverated, I said, Why don’t we talk about string theory? She got a blank look. Huh? Says I, Well golf is not something you really know anything about, so we might as well discuss your opinion of string theory.
I used the same joke later when we were talking about the BP oil spill and she said she was for the nuclear option, to blow it up and bury the well, to which I nodded and said, Why not let’s talk about string theory? I trust you on that subject as much as this one.
It wasn't till the next morning that I realized what deep shit I was in. I’m putting in a second bathroom and have been getting tons of architectural advice from my sister-in-law, and I realized I could forget about asking her about the construction of the open-stud book-shelf-wall, which was her idea in the first place. I said, I guess I better not ask you for any advice on the bathroom. She sat down across from me on the porch. She explained that it had been my tone, so condescending and arrogant--that she had seen my head rising and that I looked down my nose at her and flared my nostrils.
I promptly apologized, but later she had made it into shtik. Phil is nostrilling me again. On the drive home, I told my wife about the battle and she said, This is what I always tell you, it’s that Harvard prosecutorial tone you get, and it’s very upsetting to people. I said, But she was talking about something she knew nothing about! My wife gave me a look and said, Did I really hear you say that, talking about something you don’t know anything about? If I were you, I’d scoot that right back into your mouth.
Over the last three weeks, my sister-in-law’s victory has been solidified. When I phone her, she says, Hello, nostril! Then when I grovel and bring up the framing on the skylight, she says, I thought you were calling to talk about string theory!
I have various theories to explain what happened. I took on a powerful person and was crushed like a bug. If you are going to attack the king, you must kill the king. But that’s Machiavellian, or Chris Matthewsian, and not really my scene. The truth is, I’m from a matriarchy, and I married into a matriarchy. They always win, and I seem to like it that way.
Inlaws are always fun. :D
Phil: I’ve know you for nearly 40 years, and I had no idea you were an expert on string theory.
Brilliant! You shouldn’t have condescenverated!
a friend of mine explained to me about his relationship with Irish matriarchy:
the poor, downtrodden typical Irishman was caught between a matriarchal command structure at home and the even-more-rigid command structure of the catholic church. Men were expected to go off to do a little hunter-gathering and, if and when they came back from time to time, not to interfere in the running of the home or make any big decisions about the community. …my wife was only 1/4 Irish. However, she was also 1/4 Iroquois and they are an even more obviously matriarchal society where the men had better keep their noses out of the long house unless they mean business.
As a result, I’m well trained to rebel politely against female control without any expectation that anyone will pay much attention
you’re so funny phil, sometime over cocktails remind me to tell you about the ‘golf’ holiday i went on in hawaii.
Touché.
RE: “She explained she had seen my head rising and that I looked down my nose at her and flared my nostrils.” – Nostril Weiss
MY COMMENT: She was obviously saying you have a big “schnoz”. Classic anti-Semitism! I have notified the authorities. Tell her to expect an imminent visit from Abe Foxman. She might want to go ahead and get “lawyered up”.
RE: “it’s that Harvard prosecutorial tone you get” – Lady Weiss
MY COMMENT: À la Alan Dershowitz?
P.S. As to string theory, I’m game. It sounds like a bad case of “G-d envy” to me.
Apparently noses are important; remember that guy who commenced his juvenile attack on the BDS movement by calling attention to that Hollywood shicksa’s upturned twitching nose? It was dissenting in an anti-semitic manner he suggested.
I guess the Thoreau Club experience didn’t sink in.
My FIL, who always called them “National Hebrew” franks ( he used his preference for them to demonstrate to me his lack of anti-Semitism, and I found it convincing proof, well, that and the fact that they did not both put their head in the oven when we got married.) was a carpenter and house builder and construction guy his whole working life, but if you asked him for advice on, say, an open-stud-wall bookcase, would always preface his advice by stroking his chin, and saying very tentatively “Well, I suppose a guy could…” or “Well, some people might….” . Never ever, “I spent 40 years doing this and I know what do do!” Of course, he never could give up the expression “Jew him down” but I’ve been told he only used it when I was around.
Sorry, got diverted by memories. Anyway, I blame all this on those damn flat screen TVs. Really! Once a woman has seen you allow a larger head, bigger mouth and louder voices into your home, they lose all respect for you. I may not count for much in the world, but damn it, in my house, I have the biggest head, the biggest mouth, and the loudest voice. I am also the source of entertainment around here, and I take requests gladly. What more could any woman want?
Why would a woman have any respect for you once she has seen you allow yourself to be punked by Chris Matthews? And seen you pay to have him piped in to the house? Sorry fella, you’re toast at that point.
I’d rather discuss spaghetti and pasta than string theory. Besides, it’s fundamentally the same thing, isn’t it?
My rather annoying (to the others) infatuation with it cooled the day I listened to Brian Greene explaining that it can neither be properly explained nor it can be proven (yet)..I moved on waiting for something more convincing comes up..
Phil, you acted like an ass, and got called on it.
Why make it more than that? Accept your smack-down like a dude and keep your mother out of it!
(FWIW, people talk about stuff they nothing about all the time. That’s why blogs — and comments sections — are so popular…. and do you really think golf is a sport? I’m with your SIL on this one!)
I know nothing about golf but I wouldn’t call it a sport..If you can chew gum playing it then it’s not a sport. For goosake, they don’t even have to push their own caddie! The same applies to when you throw a ball for your dog to fetch, it is not a sport either. Because you can chew gum while you’re doing it..And it’s your dog who carries the stick..Come on!
“And it’s your dog who carries the stick”
Or the ball. Whatever…
Good Lord, golf is an extreme sport. Id rather bungy-jump off a bridge attached by string theory than take a golf club in my hooves. Look what happened to Mr. Woods. Obviously, golf can destroy your brain.
Oh, I wouldn’t say woods is brain damaged. He seems to have made out very well.
BTW, Phil, you should be reading SJ Perelman’s “Acres and Pains” the book TV show “Green Acres” is loosely based on, if you are doing any work on a suburban house. All kinds home impoverishment tips in there.
wow mooser, learn something new every day. thanks for tip. will get it now.
Everybody who marries into a family with know-it-all in-laws let’s matters drop or ignores know-it-all spewing if they want to get along. I married into a huge extended Jewish family so I know, especially regarding my MIL–for the same reason, I never contested my Irish-German father in his own home–the last time I did that I decided to leave home, when I was seventeen. Since then I’ve always lived far away and when I visit my original home it’s usually easy to ignore his sometimes mouth since I know I will only be there a short while.
Very funny anecdote. If you ever join the Mafia they can call you “Philly-Nostrils”…don’t ask son, it ain’t pretty.