I gravitate toward strong women. I grew up in a matriarchy and married into a matriarchy. In my bouts of therapy, I’ve always gone on and on about my mother’s power.
My wife’s older sister is the strongest in her clan and though we get along great, now and then I bridle. We were at a vacation house recently when she asseverated that golf is not a sport, it’s an activity. I asked her to go through the list of activities, not sports (cards, crosswords, billiards—anything you can smoke while doing) and generally agreed with her but I said firmly that golf is not an activity, it is a demanding sport and when she perseverated, I said, Why don’t we talk about string theory? She got a blank look. Huh? Says I, Well golf is not something you really know anything about, so we might as well discuss your opinion of string theory.
I used the same joke later when we were talking about the BP oil spill and she said she was for the nuclear option, to blow it up and bury the well, to which I nodded and said, Why not let’s talk about string theory? I trust you on that subject as much as this one.
It wasn’t till the next morning that I realized what deep shit I was in. I’m putting in a second bathroom and have been getting tons of architectural advice from my sister-in-law, and I realized I could forget about asking her about the construction of the open-stud book-shelf-wall, which was her idea in the first place. I said, I guess I better not ask you for any advice on the bathroom. She sat down across from me on the porch. She explained that it had been my tone, so condescending and arrogant–that she had seen my head rising and that I looked down my nose at her and flared my nostrils.
I promptly apologized, but later she had made it into shtik. Phil is nostrilling me again. On the drive home, I told my wife about the battle and she said, This is what I always tell you, it’s that Harvard prosecutorial tone you get, and it’s very upsetting to people. I said, But she was talking about something she knew nothing about! My wife gave me a look and said, Did I really hear you say that, talking about something you don’t know anything about? If I were you, I’d scoot that right back into your mouth.
Over the last three weeks, my sister-in-law’s victory has been solidified. When I phone her, she says, Hello, nostril! Then when I grovel and bring up the framing on the skylight, she says, I thought you were calling to talk about string theory!
I have various theories to explain what happened. I took on a powerful person and was crushed like a bug. If you are going to attack the king, you must kill the king. But that’s Machiavellian, or Chris Matthewsian, and not really my scene. The truth is, I’m from a matriarchy, and I married into a matriarchy. They always win, and I seem to like it that way.
