Glenn Beck: Russo-Cuban AFL-CIO Islamist Israelis occupying Tel Aviv?

Israel/PalestineUS Politics
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Glenn Beck, the great priapic hope of Christian Zionist fundamentalism, has barely been in Israel for 48 hours — and he’s already solved the problem of Israel’s creeping Islamosocialism.


You know, the tent protests.

Beck arrived in Israel on Sunday morning to begin preparing for his big Pillar of Fire pep-rally on August 24th. A lesser pundit would no doubt use this time to take in some sites or idly eat hummus while drifting on the Dead Sea and waiting to be bungeed up to heaven on the wings of the Messiah. But Beck’s a man of action, a truth-teller, and by Monday, he and his lackey sidekicks, Steve Burguiere (aka Stu) and Pat Gray, had successfully sniffed out and exposed their first conspiracy, the dark, twisted, hard-left-socialist-radical motives of Tel Aviv’s Rothschild Boulevard protesters.

How did they know?

The Google, of course.

Burguiere (reading from his laptop): They’re obviously from the hard left, and they have a list of demands.

Beck: What makes you say that?

Burguiere: Because I’ve read their list of demands.

Beck: What are their list of demands?

Burguiere: Number one, increase personal tax brackets for top earners.

Beck: Oh, so hate the rich.

Burguiere: Enshrine the right to housing in the law!

Beck: There you go, that’s a good idea. That worked out well for the Soviets.


Beck: It’s all grassroots . . . It’s got to be . . . Why even look to see if left-wing global financing is involved there?

The Rothschild Conspiracy doesn’t end there either. Reading carefully from their dog-eared copies of The Protocols of the Elders of the Soros Foundation, Beck and co. manage to not only compare the Israeli protesters in Tel Aviv to the Soviets, (presumably the “progressive puppet master” George Soros is behind it all), the Cubans and the AFL-CIO, but also “the Islamists”:

Beck: Do not look to see if there’s any kind of Islamist movement that is joining them.

Burgiere: That’s not possible. The Left and Islamic extremists hate each other. They hate each other!

Beck: They hate each other! Socialists and Islamicists never get together!

Except for when they did during the Cold War, remarks Beck (he was being sarcastic, in case you couldn’t tell)! Yes, apparently, Nasser, Ghaddafi and Arafat, among other Cold War Arab leaders he does not allude to, are all Islamicists (he also throws in the infamous “Nazi Mufti” Haj Amin el-Husseini, the Nazis being National Socialist after all). At least he didn’t play the Utoya card again . . .

Thankfully, Beck & Friends have just the antidote to all this radical Islamo-leftist co-conspiring: more settlements!

Glenn Beck: You know what thing about Israel is? There’s no land! There’s no undeveloped land there. At all!

Burguiere: That would be a way to lower rents, wouldn’t it if you increased development . . . ?

Beck: Just develop! But wouldn’t that be weird, especially in Judea [pronounced “JEW-dea,” according to Beck] and Samaria?

Jew-dea, Islamists, AFL, rent control, the “Nazi Mufti” — who else besides Glenn Beck could knit them all together? And yet, Beck may wish to take a break from his devil’s game of blaming everything on “the international Islamocommunist conspiracy” to actually read the instructions for a real devil’s game he so conveniently ignores.

About Paul Mutter

Paul Mutter is a contributor to Mondoweiss, Foreign Policy in Focus and the Arabist.

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