FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Israeli Foreign Affairs Ministry
May 21, 201
Fresh from its triumph in exposing the Mohammed al-Dura death hoax, a secret Israeli Government Commission is nearing the completion of an even more comprehensive investigation absolving the IDF of all deaths of civilians in Lebanon in 2006, Gaza in 2008-2009, the Mavi Marmara in 2010, and Gaza in November, 2012. According to high-ranking informed sources, who talked with Isabel Kershner of the New York Times on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to discuss this sensitive information, the report will detail how each and every one of these civilians fell into one of the following categories: their deaths were faked; they were killed by Hamas/Hezbollah in such a way to frame the IDF; or they committed suicide, attaining “paradise” by sacrificing their lives to make Israel look bad.
This official government account was the 417th consecutive investigation to find Israel not at fault, the most perfect record achieved by any country in recorded history facing comparable existential threats. It will occupy a special place on the national bookshelf, along with the reports finding that Jewish settlements in Judea and Sumaria are legal, and that Israel properly set afire UN food stockpiles in Gaza because they had reliable information that terrorists were hiding underneath bags of lentils. According to Kershner, Israel is presently considering whether to revise its official findings that it was not at fault in the deaths of civilians in Deir Yassin and Qibya, to reflect that there were no such civilian deaths; the supposed “victims” were evacuated and they and their descendants have been living luxurious lives in the south of France ever since.
The anonymous government leakers selected Kershner because she works for “the newspaper of record,” and fearlessly withstands withering criticism that she acts as a “stenographer” rather than a journalist. In addition to this assignment, Kershner will be guaranteed further scoops of Israeli government commission reports that are also nearing completion that will absolve the IDF of blame for all future deaths, both real and faked, of so-called civilians.
Israel is the universally acknowledged leader in developing the revolutionary strategy of preparing preemptive investigation reports absolving its military and government leadership of all blame in future incidents as well. The genius of the technique involves beginning with the conclusion – “the IDF was not legally, morally or ethically culpable in the deaths of (to be filled in)”; the rest is commentary.