Press Release: Isabel Kershner chosen to reveal future Israeli exonerations

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Israeli Foreign Affairs Ministry

May 21, 201

Fresh from its triumph in exposing the Mohammed al-Dura death hoax, a secret Israeli Government Commission is nearing the completion of an even more comprehensive investigation absolving the IDF of all deaths of civilians in Lebanon in 2006, Gaza in 2008-2009, the Mavi Marmara in 2010, and Gaza in November, 2012. According to high-ranking informed sources, who talked with Isabel Kershner of the New York Times on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to discuss this sensitive information, the report will detail how each and every one of these civilians fell into one of the following categories: their deaths were faked; they were killed by Hamas/Hezbollah in such a way to frame the IDF; or they committed suicide, attaining “paradise” by sacrificing their lives to make Israel look bad.

This official government account was the 417th consecutive investigation to find Israel not at fault, the most perfect record achieved by any country in recorded history facing comparable existential threats. It will occupy a special place on the national bookshelf, along with the reports finding that Jewish settlements in Judea and Sumaria are legal, and that Israel properly set afire UN food stockpiles in Gaza because they had reliable information that terrorists were hiding underneath bags of lentils. According to Kershner, Israel is presently considering whether to revise its official findings that it was not at fault in the deaths of civilians in Deir Yassin and Qibya, to reflect that there were no such civilian deaths; the supposed “victims” were evacuated and they and their descendants have been living luxurious lives in the south of France ever since.

The anonymous government leakers selected Kershner because she works for “the newspaper of record,” and fearlessly withstands withering criticism that she acts as a “stenographer” rather than a journalist. In addition to this assignment, Kershner will be guaranteed further scoops of Israeli government commission reports that are also nearing completion that will absolve the IDF of blame for all future deaths, both real and faked, of so-called civilians.

Israel is the universally acknowledged leader in developing the revolutionary strategy of preparing preemptive investigation reports absolving its military and government leadership of all blame in future incidents as well. The genius of the technique involves beginning with the conclusion – “the IDF was not legally, morally or ethically culpable in the deaths of (to be filled in)”; the rest is commentary.

About David Samel

David Samel is am attorney in New York City.
Posted in Israel/Palestine, Israeli Government, Media, Occupation

{ 13 comments... read them below or add one }

  1. Ira Glunts says:

    Good job, David!!!!

  2. Shmuel says:

    Thanks, David. It’s good to see Israel has courageous journalists like Kirshner, who know how to save lives (even posthumously!), instead of that evil Charles Enderlin whose habit of reporting what he sees (even deaths!) is a menace to Jews everywhere.

  3. Hostage says:

    This official government account was the 417th consecutive investigation to find Israel not at fault, the most perfect record achieved by any country in recorded history facing comparable existential threats.

    That’s not so far-fetched an idea. But it indicates that quite bit of whitewashing is still in store for those of us who bother to keep track of these things:

    This letter is in follow-up to our previous 450 letters regarding the ongoing crisis in the Occupied Palestinian Territory, including East Jerusalem, since 28 September 2000. These letters, dated from 29 September 2000 (A/55/432-S/2000/921) to 15 January 2013 (A/ES-10/577-S/2012/23), constitute a basic record of the crimes being committed by Israel, the occupying Power, against the Palestinian people since September 2000. For all of these war crimes, acts of State terrorism and systematic human rights violations committed against the Palestinian people, Israel, the occupying Power, must be held accountable and the perpetrators must be brought to justice.

    I should be grateful if you would arrange to have the text of the present letter distributed as a document of the tenth emergency special session of the General Assembly, under agenda item 5, and of the Security Council.
    (Signed) Riyad Mansour
    Ambassador
    Permanent Observer
    of the State of Palestine to the United Nations

    link to un.org

  4. ritzl says:

    Satirical success! Good one.

    • pabelmont says:

      Hey, boyz and girlz, not a satire! Not at all! This is Israel’s plan (predicted only, perhaps) for showing the ICC that it has jurisdiction to try its own folks for alleged war crimes, has investigated all and every possible alleged war crime — and in very best of good faith — and found no cause for a prosecution. The Al-Dura examination of long-ago facts was a trial run!

      Will this, if it occur in real life, actually keep the ICC off Israel’s back? Only time will tell. But if this prediction is not right, then who can exablain why Israel produced this Al-Dura statement at all?

      • Hostage says:

        Will this, if it occur in real life, actually keep the ICC off Israel’s back?

        This speculative report published a decade after the fact doesn’t meet international standards for any kind of adequate, impartial, and independent investigation. So Article 17(2) et seq would apply:

        Article 17
        Issues of admissibility

        2. In order to determine unwillingness in a particular case, the Court shall consider, having regard to the principles of due process recognized by international law, whether one or more of the following exist, as applicable:

        (a) The proceedings were or are being undertaken or the national decision was made for the purpose of shielding the person concerned from criminal responsibility for crimes within the jurisdiction of the Court referred to in article 5;

        (b) There has been an unjustified delay in the proceedings which in the circumstances is inconsistent with an intent to bring the person concerned to justice;

        (c) The proceedings were not or are not being conducted independently or impartially, and they were or are being conducted in a manner which, in the circumstances, is inconsistent with an intent to bring the person concerned to justice.

        link to untreaty.un.org

        • pabelmont says:

          Hostage: thanks for prying my tongue out of my cheek. OTOH, what on earth was this redredging of ancient events about? Anyone have another theory? The ICC is said to operate under the USA’s thumb and this might have been an attempt to offer a fig-leaf for ICC recusal. OTOOH, it should have been about Mavi Marmara, a more likely early concern for ICC.

        • Hostage says:

          OTOH, what on earth was this redredging of ancient events about? Anyone have another theory?

          I’ve already commented that the report its just a prop the media can wave in the air, while they talk around the subject and plant seeds of doubt.

          At the same time the Zionuts are trying to lay down a marker and show other journalists that they will endure the same McCarthy-style ordeal if they dare to repeat the performance of France 2 and Charles Enderlin in this particular episode. They will be dragged through the Courts and subjected to endless state-sponsored libel and innuendos. Netanyahu is hopeful that others will decide that it’s just not worth the grief to expose what is going on under the guise of the occupation.

  5. gingershot says:

    Laughing only makes us stronger and is so refreshing – excellent job!

    Kershner needs to be humiliated and laughed at most of all – if only we could just laugh William Kristol, Netanyahu or John McCain/Lindsey Graham off the stage then 1/2 the battle would be over.

    SNL did that with the John McCain/Lindsey Graham fellate-a-donkey-for-Israel skit

  6. gingershot says:

    Is it actually possible that Israel has forgotten how to lie?

    Perhaps there is some divine limit on how much lying a nation might do before they actually cannot come up with a credible lie anymore

    Israel focused so much on standing the world on it’s head that they actually forgot that there was this problem of ‘where is Dura’ if anyone was to actually believe their cock and bull story – are they really that dumb?

    Is Kershner that dumb?

    • Hostage says:

      Is it actually possible that Israel has forgotten how to lie?

      No they have too much experience for that to happen. Zionists propagandists lie, even when the truth would serve them better, just to stay in practice. This is just a case of over-confidence in the modest skill-level they’ve obtained.

    • Djinn says:

      I’d say it’s more a case of knowing that it doesn’t matter how stupid the lie, there will be no adverse consequences. If I could get out of my next speeding ticket by claiming I was being chased by an axe wielding psychopath driving an invisible yellow tank, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t bother coming up with something believable next time.

  7. GreatLeo says:

    This posting brings up a question. Consider the case of the killing of Iman al Hams, Wikipedia article here:

    link to en.wikipedia.org

    The defendant, Capt. R, has already been exonerated. Will there be a subsequent investigation so he can be re-exonerated?