In a last ditch effort to block an impending nuclear deal between Western powers and Iran, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today, April 1, he will immediately begin an open-ended hunger strike against world peace.
During his strike Netanyahu will only be eating fresh fruit. His wife Sara will join him, choosing a completely liquid diet. The move is widely popular in Israel where a Channel 2 poll taken Monday shows Jewish Israelis are against world peace almost 6 to 1. An unnamed Florida-born Netanyahu confidant, who requested anonymity because he is not authorized to comment due to his history of generally fucking things up, explained the move, “He’s tried everything else, you have any other ideas?”
This isn’t the first peace effort Netanyahu has sought to block although he acknowledged these current negotiations with Iran are his biggest challenge yet. Still, even a cursory glance at the other issues he has championed over the years show a man dedicated to his beliefs who has never shied away from an unpopular cause. A few examples:
- In 1978 Netanyahu streaked the Camp David Accords.
- In 1987 Netanyahu first came to international prominence leading rallies against the rescue of baby Jessica McClure who had fallen down a well in Midland, Texas.
- In 1993 Netanyahu conducted a solo picket of the Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Nelson Mandela.
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An emaciated Benjamin Netanyahu, left, meets with Ariel Sharon during Wye River negotiations. (Photo: TMZ) In 1997 and 1998 Netanyahu carried out hunger strikes during the Hebron Protocol and Wye River Memorandum negotiations that he himself negotiated.
- After leaving office in 1999, Netanyahu entered an underground bunker to highlight “the gravest threat humanity has faced to this point” — the Y2K bug. He finally reappeared in the middle of September 2001 in order to exploit the 9/11 attacks.
- In 2005 Netanyahu organized a 24-hour variety show telethon in support of Michael Brown’s job as FEMA Director during Hurricane Katrina.
- In 2008 Netanyahu lost his shit when Barack Obama was elected President of the United States.
- In 2009 Netanyahu joined Kanye West at a sit-in protesting Taylor Swift’s win over Beyonce for Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music Awards. They’ve remained close friends ever since.
- In 2010 Netanyahu undertook a 56 day hunger strike due to his confusion over the ending of Lost.
- In 2010 Netanyahu also marched in solidarity with Chilean mine owners.
- In 2012 Netanyahu really lost his shit when Barack Obama was re-elected president of the United States.
He attributes his hunger strikes — along with ongoing Israeli settlement construction and general intransigence — as to why Israel has been able to successfully avoid peace all these years. He is confident he can continue the trend now.
Nicely done! :-D
“The move is widely popular in Israel where a Channel 2 poll taken Monday shows Jewish Israelis are against world peace almost 6 to 1”
Wow, that’s really funny in a region where there is war in just about every other place but Israel.
Not.
Good job, Adam. You have shown us what a nay sayer Netanyahu is. He is against Peace, and it shows through action, and by what he keeps saying. Netanyahu only has war in his mind, nothing else will satisfy him. Deal? What deal? what has he come up with as an alternative to waging war with Iran? Even the most perfect deal will never satisfy a war monger.
As for that part about Sara joining her (should be President of the US) husband with a liquid diet, that was brilliant!
No wonder she made a lot of Ca$h on empty bottle deposits, three bottles of bubbly a day will be quite an amount. Perhaps she needed the money for her expensive make up.
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4621023,00.html
Well done, Adam!
I think my favorite among all of your great ones is this:
…”a Channel 2 poll taken Monday shows Jewish Israelis are against world peace almost 6 to 1. An unnamed Florida-born Netanyahu confidant, who requested anonymity because he is not authorized to comment due to his history of generally fucking things up, explained the move, “He’s tried everything else, you have any other ideas?””
or, maybe it’s this one:
“In 1997 and 1998 Netanyahu carried out hunger strikes during the Hebron Protocol and Wye River Memorandum negotiations that he himself negotiated.”
I am not entirely sure that Netanyahu hasn’t been on his wife’s liquid diet for these very long and ghastly years. He’s definitely hooked on Ziocaine, and must use the bottle deposits to have enough on hand to distribute to his electorate.
In other creepy news that’s sure to bring peace:
“Temple Mount activists slaughter lamb in public ‘rehearsal’ of Passover sacrifice
Hundreds attend ceremony held by group advocating for the re-building of Jewish temple in the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, in show of strength marking rising influence of their cause.
…Support from the rabbinical establishment came in the form of Jerusalem Chief Rabbi Aryeh Stern, who attended the ceremony and gave organizers his blessing. Despite all this, the practical aspects of the ceremony were a bit pathetic, exposing the gap between the imagination and Halakha and the real world. Outside the event there was a protest by several dozen animal rights activists, who got into arguments with ceremony participants.
Those present included Kach activists, known right-wing figures, veterans of the Jewish Underground of the 1980s, and lots of families with children. Though the children were invited to a presentation about the Temple Mount when the slaughter took place, most preferred to stay to learn the lamb’s fate. The lamb was actually slaughtered out of the audience’s sight. Afterward the kohanim poured the lamb’s blood onto an altar, and the lamb was shown to the crowd after it had been skinned. Its organs were placed on the altar and a large skewer was inserted into its body. It was then roasted and the meat was distributed to those present.
The organizers stressed that this was not the sacrifice of the paschal lamb, but a rehearsal for the real thing. “So that we’ll know what to do, so that we can feel this ancient experience,” said Arnon Segal, a Temple Mount activists and the event’s emcee. The real Passover sacrifice must be on Passover eve, toward evening, on the Temple Mount.
“The minute the government approves, we know exactly how to do it,” Segal said, noting that the Temple Mount Institute in Jerusalem’s Old City had a portable altar ready that could be set up at the proper place within minutes.”
http://www.haaretz.com/news/national/.premium-1.649981
A refreshing change from the usual constipated Netanyahu-Israel stuff we keep reading about.