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Netanyahu to stage hunger strike against world peace

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In a last ditch effort to block an impending nuclear deal between Western powers and Iran, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today, April 1, he will immediately begin an open-ended hunger strike against world peace.

During his strike Netanyahu will only be eating fresh fruit. His wife Sara will join him, choosing a completely liquid diet.  The move is widely popular in Israel where a Channel 2 poll taken Monday shows Jewish Israelis are against world peace almost 6 to 1. An unnamed Florida-born Netanyahu confidant, who requested anonymity because he is not authorized to comment due to his history of generally fucking things up, explained the move, “He’s tried everything else, you have any other ideas?”

This isn’t the first peace effort Netanyahu has sought to block although he acknowledged these current negotiations with Iran are his biggest challenge yet. Still, even a cursory glance at the other issues he has championed over the years show a man dedicated to his beliefs who has never shied away from an unpopular cause. A few examples:

  • In 1978 Netanyahu streaked the Camp David Accords.
  • In 1987 Netanyahu first came to international prominence leading rallies against the rescue of baby Jessica McClure who had fallen down a well in Midland, Texas.
  • In 1993 Netanyahu conducted a solo picket of the Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Nelson Mandela.
  • An emaciated Benjamin Netanyahu, left, meets with Ariel Sharon during Wye River negotiations. (Photo: TMZ)

    An emaciated Benjamin Netanyahu, left, meets with Ariel Sharon during Wye River negotiations. (Photo: TMZ)

    In 1997 and 1998 Netanyahu carried out hunger strikes during the Hebron Protocol and Wye River Memorandum negotiations that he himself negotiated.

  • After leaving office in 1999, Netanyahu entered an underground bunker to highlight “the gravest threat humanity has faced to this point” — the Y2K bug. He finally reappeared in the middle of September 2001 in order to exploit the 9/11 attacks.
  • In 2005 Netanyahu organized a 24-hour variety show telethon in support of Michael Brown’s job as FEMA Director during Hurricane Katrina.
  • In 2008 Netanyahu lost his shit when Barack Obama was elected President of the United States.
  • In 2009 Netanyahu joined Kanye West at a sit-in protesting Taylor Swift’s win over Beyonce for Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music Awards. They’ve remained close friends ever since.
  • In 2010 Netanyahu undertook a 56 day hunger strike due to his confusion over the ending of Lost.
  • In 2010 Netanyahu also marched in solidarity with Chilean mine owners.
  • In 2012 Netanyahu really lost his shit when Barack Obama was re-elected president of the United States.

He attributes his hunger strikes — along with ongoing Israeli settlement construction and general intransigence — as to why Israel has been able to successfully avoid peace all these years. He is confident he can continue the trend now.

About Adam Horowitz

Adam Horowitz is Co-Editor of Mondoweiss.net.

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50 Responses

  1. eljay
    April 1, 2015, 9:19 am

    Nicely done! :-D

  2. hophmi
    April 1, 2015, 9:30 am

    “The move is widely popular in Israel where a Channel 2 poll taken Monday shows Jewish Israelis are against world peace almost 6 to 1”

    Wow, that’s really funny in a region where there is war in just about every other place but Israel.

    Not.

    • unverified__68066i40
      April 1, 2015, 11:55 am

      Lol they’ve been occupying for 50 years and there was a war this summer. What a douche!

      • Kathleen
        April 8, 2015, 11:10 am

        Massacre…

    • Maximus Decimus Meridius
      April 1, 2015, 1:45 pm

      Really?

      No war in Iran.

      No war in Lebanon.

      No war in Egypt.

      No war in Turkey.

      No war in Jordan.

      And so on and so forth.

      And Israel is technically in a state of war with several Arab states and of course has its troops stationed permanently in occupied territories. It also massacred 2OOO people just this summer. Hardly an oasis of peace, hophmi.

      • Laurent Weppe
        April 1, 2015, 2:28 pm

        I’d say that since Lebanon, Egypt, Jordan and Turkey are getting refugees from the syrian civil war, these countries are in fact embroiled in war even if it’s not one they started.

      • Maximus Decimus Meridius
        April 1, 2015, 5:24 pm

        I think it’s stretching it a tad to say that any country hosting refugees is ’embroiled in war’. And if you’re going to make that claim, then surely you can make a much better case that a country which is actively occupying another people’s land is certainly in a state of war.

    • oldgeezer
      April 1, 2015, 3:32 pm

      @hophmi

      One second you’re excusing calls for genocide by ignoring the historical timeline, the next you’re flailing about without reason trying even harder to excuse it. Then the next again you claim Israel is not involved in war even though it holds territory belonging to three other countries and regularly invades their airspace and territory under the excuse of a state of war still existing.

      Since the quality of readership leaves a lot to be desired there is one way you could significantly improve whatever metric you wish to use.

      You have no rhyme or reason. Just pure apologetics, excuses and propaganda. I rather like that. It shows the hollowness of zionist arguments for their crimes against humanity.

    • justicewillprevail
      April 1, 2015, 6:04 pm

      hopper: a humourless bigot writes…

      complete rubbish

    • Kay24
      April 2, 2015, 9:01 am

      Israel has the reputation for being the most ruthless occupier, and that too for the nearly 60 years. Last time this so called “only democracy in the ME” killed civilians was last year in Gaza, despite their lying PM stating they are not targeting civilians those who were massacred were mostly civilians, women and children the highest casualties, even UN shelters were not spared.
      No one is accusing Israel of having war within the nation, IT IS HOWEVER ACCUSED OF ATTACKING CIVILIANS IN NEIGHBORING NATIONS AND THOSE THEY OCCUPY.
      You should get it by now.

  3. Kay24
    April 1, 2015, 9:37 am

    Good job, Adam. You have shown us what a nay sayer Netanyahu is. He is against Peace, and it shows through action, and by what he keeps saying. Netanyahu only has war in his mind, nothing else will satisfy him. Deal? What deal? what has he come up with as an alternative to waging war with Iran? Even the most perfect deal will never satisfy a war monger.

    As for that part about Sara joining her (should be President of the US) husband with a liquid diet, that was brilliant!

    No wonder she made a lot of Ca$h on empty bottle deposits, three bottles of bubbly a day will be quite an amount. Perhaps she needed the money for her expensive make up.

    http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4621023,00.html

    • italian ex-pat
      April 1, 2015, 7:28 pm

      Expensive make-up? I hate to imagine what she would look like with the ‘cheap’ kind. Actually, no different would be my guess.

      She brings the expression ‘lipstick on a pig” to a whole new level. Meow!

      • Kay24
        April 1, 2015, 10:23 pm

        My thoughts exactly, but did not want to say it. The words “lipstick on a pig” did go through my mind too. Imagine her without any makeup! That might explain why Bibi behaves like a lunatic.
        The clinking of all those bottles of bubbly must be driving him crazy too. Heh.

  4. just
    April 1, 2015, 9:40 am

    Well done, Adam!

    I think my favorite among all of your great ones is this:

    …”a Channel 2 poll taken Monday shows Jewish Israelis are against world peace almost 6 to 1. An unnamed Florida-born Netanyahu confidant, who requested anonymity because he is not authorized to comment due to his history of generally fucking things up, explained the move, “He’s tried everything else, you have any other ideas?””

    or, maybe it’s this one:

    “In 1997 and 1998 Netanyahu carried out hunger strikes during the Hebron Protocol and Wye River Memorandum negotiations that he himself negotiated.”

    I am not entirely sure that Netanyahu hasn’t been on his wife’s liquid diet for these very long and ghastly years. He’s definitely hooked on Ziocaine, and must use the bottle deposits to have enough on hand to distribute to his electorate.

    In other creepy news that’s sure to bring peace:

    “Temple Mount activists slaughter lamb in public ‘rehearsal’ of Passover sacrifice

    Hundreds attend ceremony held by group advocating for the re-building of Jewish temple in the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, in show of strength marking rising influence of their cause.

    …Support from the rabbinical establishment came in the form of Jerusalem Chief Rabbi Aryeh Stern, who attended the ceremony and gave organizers his blessing. Despite all this, the practical aspects of the ceremony were a bit pathetic, exposing the gap between the imagination and Halakha and the real world. Outside the event there was a protest by several dozen animal rights activists, who got into arguments with ceremony participants.

    Those present included Kach activists, known right-wing figures, veterans of the Jewish Underground of the 1980s, and lots of families with children. Though the children were invited to a presentation about the Temple Mount when the slaughter took place, most preferred to stay to learn the lamb’s fate. The lamb was actually slaughtered out of the audience’s sight. Afterward the kohanim poured the lamb’s blood onto an altar, and the lamb was shown to the crowd after it had been skinned. Its organs were placed on the altar and a large skewer was inserted into its body. It was then roasted and the meat was distributed to those present.

    The organizers stressed that this was not the sacrifice of the paschal lamb, but a rehearsal for the real thing. “So that we’ll know what to do, so that we can feel this ancient experience,” said Arnon Segal, a Temple Mount activists and the event’s emcee. The real Passover sacrifice must be on Passover eve, toward evening, on the Temple Mount.

    “The minute the government approves, we know exactly how to do it,” Segal said, noting that the Temple Mount Institute in Jerusalem’s Old City had a portable altar ready that could be set up at the proper place within minutes.”

    http://www.haaretz.com/news/national/.premium-1.649981

    • Mooser
      April 1, 2015, 11:38 am

      Very worrying report, “just”. I keep a close eye on my pets, but still….

      • just
        April 1, 2015, 12:42 pm

        It’s the blood and the organs on the “portable altar” and the pictures @ the link that creep me out. The very idea of destroying Al- Aqsa just to feed the wishes of the frenzied makes my skin crawl!

        Extremism and fanaticism isn’t really attractive in any person(s).

        PS~ where are the gals?

      • just
        April 1, 2015, 7:03 pm

        Check out the cartoon referencing the story about the rehearsal sacrifice:

        http://www.haaretz.com/daily-cartoon/1.650164?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

  5. Walid
    April 1, 2015, 10:50 am

    A refreshing change from the usual constipated Netanyahu-Israel stuff we keep reading about.

  6. amigo
    April 1, 2015, 11:25 am

    “During his strike Netanyahu will only be eating fresh fruit. ”

    Most probably grown on occupied Palestinian land.

    ” His wife Sara will join him, choosing a completely liquid diet”.

    Is ice cream considered liquid.

    “Netanyahu’s household accounts show that in 2012 he budgeted 10,000 shekels (about £1,750) for ice-cream bought by his staff from a Jerusalem parlour, according to a report in the financial daily Calcalist. This budget affords the leader and his family 14kg of ice-cream a month.”.

    http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/feb/15/binyamin-netanyahu-ice-cream

  7. Karl Dubhe
    April 1, 2015, 11:27 am

    You’re not doing it right.

    The first letter of each paragraph should spell out ‘April Fools’.

    :)

  8. Bubba
    April 1, 2015, 1:19 pm

    I really hope that pic was “Photo Shopped”. If not, oh my!!!

  9. JLewisDickerson
    April 1, 2015, 2:08 pm

    RE: “During his strike Netanyahu will only be eating fresh fruit. His wife Sara will join him, choosing a completely liquid diet. . .” ~ Horowitz (the sane one, not David)

    MY COMMENT: What a brilliant scheme. Imagine the killing she’s going to make pocketing the bottle deposits!

    ‘Sara Netanyahu pocketed bottle deposits cash’
    Report in Haaretz claims PM Netanyahu wife’s kept thousands of shekels from deposits on empty bottles; Netanyahus reportedly paid state back roughly $1,000, though deposits estimated at over $5,000.
    LINK – http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4621023,00.html

  10. JLewisDickerson
    April 1, 2015, 2:22 pm

    RE: PHOTO – “An emaciated Benjamin Netanyahu, left, meets with Ariel Sharon during Wye River negotiations.”

    MY COMMENT: Again, I find this highly offensive because it interferes with the “free practice” of my religion that is opposed to men (speaking putatively) wearing lipstick and having skin even prettier than Coco Chanel’s! Not to mention that my religion also gives lip service to being opposed to pedophilia, though admittedly they are willing to ‘look the other way’ if the pedophile has enough money.
    CONSEQUENTLY, I WILL BE REPORTING MONDOWEISS TO MIKE PENCE AND REQUESTING THAT HE SHUT DOWN YOUR OPERATION SO THAT I CAN FREELY EXERCISE MY RELIGION UNIMPEDED BY MONDOWEISS! ! !

  11. Hostage
    April 1, 2015, 3:09 pm

    Netanyahu to stage hunger strike against world peace

    Adam you are priceless!

  12. JLewisDickerson
    April 1, 2015, 3:11 pm

    RE: In 2009 Netanyahu joined Kanye West at a sit-in… They’ve remained close friends ever since. ~ Horowitz (the sane one, not David)

    MY COMMENT: Again, I find this highly offensive because it interferes with the “free practice” of my religion. You are obviously trying to tempt me into doing something strictly against my religion by bringing up the way-too-hot, leather-pant-wearing*, drop dead gorgeous Kayne West. “Be still my heart! [borrowed from Oliver Stone’s 1991 film JFK]
    CONSEQUENTLY, I WILL BE REPORTING MONDOWEISS TO MIKE PENCE FOR TEMPTING ME TO VIOLATE MY RELIGION, AND REQUESTING THAT HE SHUT DOWN YOUR OPERATION SO THAT I CAN FREELY EXERCISE MY RELIGION UNIMPEDED BY MONDOWEISS’ TEMPTATIONS! ! !

    * SEE: “We brought the leather jogging pants six years ago to Fendi, and they said, ‘No.’ How many motherf����ers you done seen with a jogging pant?” http://www.complex.com/style/2013/09/kanye-west-zane-lowe-fashion-style-interview/leather-jogging-pants

    • JLewisDickerson
      April 1, 2015, 3:49 pm

      P.S. All that leather and a fur coat, to boot. Shiver me timbers!

      • JLewisDickerson
        April 1, 2015, 4:02 pm

        P.P.S. Shiver me timbers ’cause I’m a-sailin’ away!

      • just
        April 1, 2015, 4:36 pm

        Love me some Tom Waits!

        Thanks, John.

      • Annie Robbins
        April 1, 2015, 4:47 pm

        i love tom waits!

      • JLewisDickerson
        April 1, 2015, 6:10 pm

        RE: “All that leather and a fur coat, to boot.” – me (from above)

        NOT TO MENTION THOSE EVER-PRESENT, GNARLY SHADES!

        AND ALL THAT SEXY SAGGIN’!

        BIBI, BRO: I’m pea-green with envy! [to borrow from Scarlett O’Hara]

      • JLewisDickerson
        April 1, 2015, 6:25 pm

        COMPARE WAITS’ “SHIVER ME TIMBERS” TO DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE’S “NO ROOM IN FRAME”:

      • JLewisDickerson
        April 2, 2015, 11:38 pm

        P.S. I KNOW YOU’RE DYING TO KNOW:

        . . . Gibbard took the band name from the song “Death Cab for Cutie” written by Neil Innes and Vivian Stanshall and performed by their group the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. The song’s name was in turn taken from an invented pulp fiction crime magazine The Uses of Literacy, devised by Richard Hoggart as part of his 1957 study of working class culture. In a 2011 interview, Gibbard stated, “The name was never supposed to be something that someone was going to reference 15 years on. So yeah, I would absolutely go back and give it a more obvious name.”[61]

        SOURCE – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_Cab_for_Cutie

    • just
      April 1, 2015, 6:04 pm

      “Reports emerged in January that Kardashian and her two sisters were planning to buy a Tel Aviv apartment worth $30 million.”

      Here’s something that Tel Avivians could do for the American taxpayer:

      Keep them. Please.

      • JLewisDickerson
        April 1, 2015, 6:37 pm

        Yes, puh-leeze (a/k/a puh-leaze and/or puh-lease)!

      • JLewisDickerson
        April 1, 2015, 6:54 pm

        The Kardashians had better have a structural engineer check out the $30 million apartment (on hoity-toity Rothschild Ave., no doubt) in Tel Aviv (which, unlike Hollywood, does not mandate earthquake-resistant structures) to make certain it can withstand the load of their seriously over-sized booties without additional reinforcement!

  13. JLewisDickerson
    April 1, 2015, 3:15 pm
  14. amigo
    April 1, 2015, 3:33 pm

    netandyahu is only doing this because he knows shin bet will strap him down and force feed him.

    It,s not like they do not have practice.

  15. Zaghlul
    April 1, 2015, 4:36 pm

    Shoot, you had me for a minute – Netanyahu on a hunger strike, that would be epic!

  16. Annie Robbins
    April 1, 2015, 4:53 pm

    omg! can’t stop laughing! just noticed the caption under that photo:

    An emaciated Benjamin Netanyahu, left, meets with Ariel Sharon during Wye River negotiations. (Photo: TMZ)

    how do you think of this! you should be a comedy writer adam.

  17. JLewisDickerson
    April 1, 2015, 5:53 pm

    RE: that excellent photo of Netanyahu (without the Western Wall or a single Star of David!)

    MY COMMENT: Bibi is so cute when he pouts! ! !

  18. justicewillprevail
    April 1, 2015, 6:03 pm

    Excellent news. However desperate the attention-seeking idiot gets, remember: Don’t feed the troll!

  19. truth2power
    April 2, 2015, 8:33 am

    I’m laughing so much I’m crying!! Still, looks like he’d benefit from a bit of weight loss! Maybe they’ll have to feed him his juices by a fixed tube so his lips will be sealed for a while too ;) ;) Why does the image of a petulant fat baby not getting its way come to mind when I look at that lovely photo, I wonder? (Is this a belated April Fool’s day)!

  20. Bing Bong
    April 2, 2015, 9:49 am

    “how do you think of this! you should be a comedy writer adam.”

    MW runs equally funny stories like this every day, I just assumed they were all fictional to some degree made up by those who run this site.

    And yourself of course.

    I thought everybody knew MW was just an anti Israel version of the Onion.

    • Annie Robbins
      April 2, 2015, 11:25 am

      I thought everybody knew MW was just an anti Israel version of the Onion.

      you should try opening the embeds, that is where it gets really scary.

  21. piotr
    April 2, 2015, 4:19 pm

    In the aftermath of the DEAL, this April 1 story does not seem improbable. Say, declaring a national day of mourning in Israel, or ratcheting reaction to more extreme, declaring that PM of Israel will not eat ice cream until the vile regime in Tehran is removed from the page of time.

  22. tombishop
    April 2, 2015, 10:40 pm

    The symbiotic relationship that Netanyahu has with Christian Zionism may be in trouble. The relationship explains the lunacy in the Republican Party and Netanyahu’s appearance before Congress. But the anti-Semitic core of Christian Zionism is being exposed in the changed political situation.

    Courting, Jew-Converting, Demon-Exorcising American Allies

    http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/03/22/meet-bibi-s-new-tribulation-courting-jew-converting-demon-exorcising-american-allies.html

  23. fpm
    April 3, 2015, 12:55 pm

    that’s good Netanyahu, if the world is lucky perhaps you will fade away to nothing.

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