After winning the election by a landslide, President Donald J Trump has followed through with his vision to make America great again by tackling its two biggest threats: Mexicans and Muslims.
His first order of business will be keeping out Mexicans by building a wall around the U.S.-Mexico border. The wall is intended to block Mexico’s crime, drugs, and rapists from entering the U.S. “It’s time they stop stealing American jobs,” said Trump. The wall is estimated to cost anywhere from ten to twenty billion dollars and will take four years of labor to complete. The exact height of the wall is yet to be determined, but Trump assures us, “It’s gonna be huge.”
After countless Craigslist ads for white supremacists at $5/hour went unanswered, Trump finds the only construction workers willing to work for the meager pay at his local Home Depot. When questioned about the immigration status and legality of employing said workers, Trump answered, “I’m a businessman.”
The use of migrant workers will significantly reduce labor costs and upon completion of the wall, each Mexican worker will be promptly escorted out of the U.S. Trump’s additional plans to conserve government spending include eliminating extraneous expenses such as healthcare, renewable energy, and education.
For his next act of patriotism, Trump strategizes to ban Muslims from the U.S. As for existing Muslim immigrants, one proposed method is to keep them confined to one area, so it’ll be easier to keep a close eye on them. Trump looks to U.S. ally, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, for advice.
“If kicking them out doesn’t work, try relocating them to the least desirable area in the country, while controlling their natural resources, food, and water,” said Netanyahu. Trump began to immediately draw up plans to move all Muslims to Michigan, but sadly discovered several thousands have been happily living there for years.
In order to protect American rights and freedom, Muslims will be required to register with a national database. One major challenge Trump faces is identifying Muslims from Americans. Many have been blending in by serving in the army, volunteering for the homeless, and being born in the United States.
Trump was even more confused by a greater threat to American freedom, when he recently encountered his ultimate nemeses — Mexican Muslims. Until he devises a method for dealing with this double threat, the proud NRA member encourages American citizens to protect themselves by acquiring more guns. Since white Americans are virtually incapable of terrorism, Trump is certain that they will handle guns responsibly and the elimination of Mexicans, Muslims and Mexican Muslims will finally solve the violence in this country. To quote the eloquent Trump, “You don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. You bring the entire artillery!”