Netanyahu, say hi from me to the penguins in Antarctica

Mr. Netanyahu, what a speech at the UN yesterday.

You opened with a boasting about the Israeli “innovation nation”, saying that “we’re in the midst of a great revolution, a revolution in Israel’s standing among the nations”, and that “this is happening because so many countries around the world have finally woken up to what Israel can do for them.” You boasted of having visited six continents in one year, and expressed hope to visit a seventh. This is where you talked about penguins:

“I haven’t yet visited Antarctica, but one day I want to go there too because I’ve heard that penguins are also enthusiastic supporters of Israel”, you said. You explained that “penguins have no difficulty recognizing that some things are black and white, are right and wrong”.

“You laugh”, you said about that ‘joke’ – but I’m not laughing. I think you should go to Antarctica. And stay. Hey, maybe you should attempt a Zionist colonization of Antarctica! The Zionist founder Herzl, whom you lauded as “our modern Moses” in your speech, he wasn’t closed to such options! Argentina, Uganda – why not Antarctica?? Look, I think it wouldn’t be that silly really, because the colonized penguins – they wouldn’t resist. And if you gave them loads of fish – well, hell, they might even begin to sing Hatikva, the Zionist national anthem!

Those Penguins, they would completely know what’s what. Black and white. Obey – get a fish. Resist – no fish. Nowadays you are congratulating the far right ‘Decision Plan’ for annexing the West Bank, which is also black and white: Accept Apartheid, leave, or face the wrath of Israel. Palestinians might not like this, they might prove difficult. Penguins will be much easier. Fish will do the trick. They’ll stay, and you can become the Caesar of the Caesar penguins! It will be glorious!

Having quoted Isaiah with “I have made you a light unto the nations”, you noted that Israel’s “light is shining across the continents, bringing hope and salvation to the ends of the earth.” Alas, not to the Palestinians.

Why save the whole earth, Netanyahu? Why not just save the penguins? They will love you for it! And we probably won’t have to hear more drivel from you at the UN and many other places.

You also used the “light unto the nations” notion in relation to Iran, sending a message the Ayatollah Khemenei: “The light of Israel will never be extinguished.” It’s kind of weird, because your own official government transcript put a Hebrew biblical quote to go with that – “Nezah Israel Lo Yeshaker”, which is from I Samuel 15:29, and it translates to “the Glory (or eternity) of Israel will not lie”. Semantics you say, but hey, it was you who said you read the bible every week – so let’s get this right. But I suppose the ‘eternity’ notion would also fit your notion, like with that “eternal capital”, Jerusalem. Aye, I was almost in tears, when you told about Trump’s “historic” visit to Jerusalem, where he “stood at the Western Wall, at the foot of the Temple Mount, where the Jewish people’s temples stood for nearly a thousand years”, and that “when the President touched those ancient stones, he touched our hearts forever.” But you know, Netanyahu, that even American officials were noting that this wall is not in Israel. It is in the occupied West Bank.

You and Trump, you match hand in glove. Your speech was a seamless continuation of his from earlier in the day. You hailed his speech in unequivocal terms, and warmly endorsed his calling of the Iran nuclear deal an “embarrassment”. You mentioned how you stood there at the UN two years ago and spoke against the deal – oh, I remember, and Gosh, you were pathetic. 

That was after your speech to Congress in March 2015, just before your last election, where you spoke against the policy of a sitting Administration – which shamefully got you 23 standing ovations from the Congress Israel-loving penguins, a response which comedian Jon Stewart described as being “by far the longest blowjob a Jewish man has ever received.”

This love affair with the leaders of the “free world”, it’s just so romantic. You described how in July, “Prime Minister Modi became the first Indian Prime Minister to visit Israel. You may have seen the pictures. We were on a beach in Hadera. We rode together in a jeep outfitted with a portable desalination device that some thriving Israeli entrepreneur invented. We took off our shoes, waded into the Mediterranean and drank seawater that had been purified only a few minutes earlier. We imagined the endless possibilities for Israel, India, for all humanity”.

Well isn’t that just beautiful? I can almost see the two of you walking barefoot into the sunset like in a Bollywood film, sitar music in the background, drinking purified seawater, like two Messiahs of humanity. But what about Gazans, Netanyahu, why do they still have to drink the sea? You would have treated the penguins better, I’m sure!

And you took the opportunity to once again chide the UNESCO resolution on Al-Khalil (Hebron) and the Al-Ibrahimi Mosque (Cave of Patriarchs) as “fake history”, and “worse than fake news”:  

“[I]n July, UNESCO declared the Tomb of the Patriarchs in Hebron a Palestinian World Heritage site. That’s worse than fake news. That’s fake history. Mind you, it’s true that Abraham, the father of both Ishmael and Isaac, is buried there, but so too are Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca – Sarah is a Jewish name, by the way – and Leah, who just happen to be patriarchs and matriarchs of the Jewish people. You won’t read about that in the latest UNESCO report”, you said.

But UNESCO wasn’t saying that the site didn’t have value for Jews. In fact, UNESCO explicitly affirmed the historic importance of the place as “a site of pilgrimage for the three monotheistic religions: Judaism, Christianity and Islam”.

So, who’s doing the fake news here, Netanyahu? But why am I even saying this to you, you are a downright Holocaust-revisionist.

Hell, what’s wrong with a bit of fake news, if it effects Palestinians badly, eh?

I’ve had enough, Netanyahu, really. Go to Antarctica, rule over the penguins. They’ll nod to everything you say, especially if you offer fish. And say hi from me.