A lot of the energy for my work comes out of my mother issues.
I was raised by a real strong mother who, having grown up in difficult circumstances herself in Brooklyn, created a large strong family and kept the trains running. I got my unfortunate entitlement issues from being a Jewish prince in that family, and I got my mistrust of authority from battling with my omnipotent, shrewd mother, who didn’t always show her cards. I tried to grow up, still I had those issues. They fed my work, and sometimes disturbed it. I became aware in middle age that I was hurt by my entitlement, my lack of shrewdness, and my mistrust of authority.
The other night I took a train into Philadelphia at 12:45 a.m. for a magazine assignment I have (praise the lord) and got to my parents’ house after 1. My parents are in Cape Cod. My mother had given me the code to get into her house. For some reason it wasn’t working, I couldn’t get the door to open. I walked around the house in despair and wondered where I could sleep in the bushes. I tried again and again.
Finally I called my mother at 1:20. It’s a cruel thing to do to someone of 80, call them in the middle of the night. It means that someone’s died. I didn’t want to sleep in the bushes.
My mother picked up on the first ring. She claimed she was up for some reason, she wakes up. I guess she was. My mother has a strong clear voice, she’s not easily rattled; and there was no sleep in her voice. She guided me into the house. I’d stupidly failed to push hard on the door, that was all. What a fool. I went to bed.
The next day I called my mother to apologize. I’m sorry and embarrassed, I said. Don’t be sorry, but you can be embarrassed, she said.
And I had a joyful feeling, talking with my mom as I walked down Market Street in Philly.
In the days after that I realized something had changed in me. I just loved my mother all the way, was the feeling. I’d reverted in that nighttime panic to a child’s role, and though my mother is getting older, she had flashed her great powers. I had seen how strong and beautiful they were, in dissolving my panic in the dead of night.
That’s all. Though I know too that there is a light on the Jewish matriarchy in this post. Jewish women are more powerful than Jewish men; that’s been my experience. It’s formed my view of the world and society, sometimes errantly. It’s formed Israeli leadership, too, I venture. Here’s to my matriarch, who showed me the path.
