According to the New York Times, the recent passage of North Carolina’s anti-LGBTQ law has jeopardized the flow of billions of dollars in federal aid. Now there’s even worse news: Springsteen is canceling his Greensboro concert because the state denies “human rights of all of our citizens.” According to the Boss, a meaningful expression of “solidarity” with the “freedom fighters” who struggle for universal equality is “more important than a rock show.”
No doubt many North Carolinians are having second thoughts about openly discriminating against the gay and trans communities. There probably is growing sentiment for repeal. If Tar Heels are hoping to save themselves from financial ruin and a dreary, Bruce-less existence, this thinking is entirely wrong-headed.
My advice to North Carolina: Instead of reversing course, you should double-down, or perhaps hundred-fold or thousand-fold down. Enact even far more discriminatory legislation.
For example, while the politically-correct crowd in Washington has made gay marriage legal, you still can prohibit same-sex couples from living within your borders if one spouse is not an authentic Tar Heel.
Make it official state policy to strongly favor straight people in housing, education, employment, and every other public sphere.
Openly declare yourself a “heterosexual state.” Even change your flag to something representative of your values – a “straight” line perhaps?
We’re not finished yet. Invade South Carolina. Formally annex major parts of the state, declaring them to be an eternal and indivisible part of North Carolina. Move your citizens to the South in the hundreds of thousands to reclaim their historical rights.
Rule over the non-annexed areas as well, but preserve the fiction that your conquest is not complete and permanent. Treat any South Carolinian who dares to resist the NC National Guard as a “terrorist” subject to summary execution.
Demolish the family homes of all declared South Carolina “terrorists.”
Teach southerners the futility of resistance by occasionally destroying entire residential communities, but always express shock that there were civilian residents residing in their residences and blame the “terrorists” for making you reluctantly act.
Have your politicians refer to such mass killings as mere “mowing the lawn.”
I know what you’re thinking. I can hear you saying: “Where’s the logic in this? We dip our toes into discriminatory waters and are threatened with drowning, but you tell us to dive in head first and we’ll be rewarded with billions in aid and an E Street visit.”
My answer: don’t worry about “logic.” It’s an overrated and utterly useless notion. Just trust me. This will work. Your billions will continue to flow, courtesy of the overwhelming bipartisan sentiment of a fawning Congress. And best of all, you’ll be treated to a most meaningful rendition of “Born in the USA”!