I no longer feel like a self-hater

I was born an Israeli Jew. Or a Jewish Israeli. Whichever way you prefer. Both were marked into my birth certificate, which I’m looking at right now. My religion is noted there: Jewish. And then, Nationality: Jewish. 

So I was Jewish-Jewish. And for Israel, paradoxically, I was not Israeli by nationality, because an Israeli nationality doesn’t exist, according to Israel.

I was born as an asset for the self-declared Jewish state. They had me right there, on that first day. 

It’s natural for humans to want to stick to their familiar surroundings, to rely on what they know best and have grown up with — it tends to give a sense of safety, perhaps even nostalgia. 

But for me, it’s almost two decades since I started turning around and questioning the Zionist narrative I was brought up with. At some point, however, it became a more rude awakening — that the narrative was a lie, and that the oppression of Palestinians is not the mere side-effect of a “conflict,” but rather a matter of design. 

When I started making that point public nearly a decade ago, it started getting ugly. Until that point, I could be airing a critique of Israel, but that’s just what people do in democratic countries. However, when I started pointing to Israel’s oppression of Palestinians publicly, particularly in English, it became a serious problem for many. I was publicly departing from the tribal sense of solidarity — the “us” were clearly Jews, and it was about the Jewish state. It didn’t have to be spelled out, as the whole social network there was quite exclusively Jewish. What I was doing was challenging the righteousness of Jewish nationalism, otherwise known as Zionism. 

And so came that tribal suggestion — that I was a hater. It came in all kinds of ways, sometimes explicitly, sometimes more subtly. Old friends would tell me that it’s amazing how much I hate the place where I came from. 

Such comments at first made me feel that I had to get defensive to prove that all I wanted was for it to be a good place or even just a normal one. Although I kept shouting, mainly in English (but also in Hebrew and Danish, for whoever wanted to hear), this sort of residue stuck with me, a semi-conscious sense of guilt or betrayal, or a nagging feeling that maybe I was motivated by hate more than I was by love, by selfishness rather than altruism.  

The reality we experience today, however, is making even Zionists question the righteousness of it all. Some maintain that the Israeli slide to religious fundamentalism and ultranationalism is not the Israel they knew. Others believe that the Zionist project has failed, that “we’re off the cliff and falling.”

The real Israel

My view is different. Israel hasn’t failed. Rather, the Zionist project has succeeded remarkably well. That’s the problem. What we are seeing today is very much the Israel I eventually came to know, without the mask. 

The Zionist project is not done yet, of course — colonialism, after all, is not a singular event, but rather a process — but it is now far more ready to declare Israel, Zionism’s brainchild, for what it is: a single state of Jewish supremacy. 

The religious fundamentalism and ultranationalism have become so explicit that even diehard Zionists can’t ignore it, pushing the likes of Alan Dershowitz to voice their misgivings. He is, of course, not opposed to a Jewish state — he calls opposition to a Jewish state outright antisemitic — but the façade of democracy is peeling off. 

It is doubtful, however, whether those questioning Israel in light of the new government will turn around completely and come to chide the very essence of their Zionist ideology. Such a move would require coming to terms with something to which many have dedicated their lives. If forced to choose between a state of Jewish supremacy or a democracy with equal rights, I believe most Zionists will choose the former. 

They will stick to Zionism above equality. 

Meanwhile, the decision for Palestinians was made for them long ago: expulsion, denial of return, oppression, siege, and all the rest of it, becoming a permanent reality of their lives. 

That’s what it comes down to. This might sound black and white, but I think it really is a choice to make — are you with the Palestinians, or are you with their oppressors? 

I think that a decade ago, this portrayal might have been seen as more radical than today. More people believed in the righteous Israel, or the forces of peace and reconciliation within it. It was not to be precisely because the essence of Zionism has been eliminationist towards Palestinians since the start. It is the entire goal of the Zionist settler colonial venture. 

A decade ago, I felt like my position made it appear to many that I was a hater of my own people. Today, I think, more people understand that I am not motivated by hate and that maybe I actually love life. 

Maybe I love the idea of the equality of all human beings.