‘Cookie monster, hubba hubba, inside out socks, and melted ice cream!’ (Revising George Will)

I learned recently that Avigdor Lieberman’s Foreign Ministry is spending money, and I want some.

Ha’aretz reports that sixty to seventy million shekels will be funneled towards “hosting figures the ministry has identified as having significant influence on public opinion.” The article goes on to say that “the first step in that effort was seen in ministry involvement in coordinating Arianna Huffington’s visit to Israel.”

Cool. I think it’s a good strategy, except they’re targeting the wrong people. Take George Will for instance. He’s been tucked into Netanyahu in Jerusalem for a while now without getting a lot done. He’s not young, or hip, or – I hate to say it – coherent.

But this is about more than just age and Twitter, it’s also about race. The sorry fact is that I possess way more credibility on the issue than Will does. I get to talk about things from the “Palestinian perspective” which automatically deposits credibility points in my hasbara column.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I’m asking Yvet and company to hit me up with an offer. Pallywood pays pretty well (I hear Mohammed Dura made a killing), but those of us in the print media get locked out. It’s not very surprising if you think about it; Arabs are barely literate.

I don’t expect my munificent boys on the West West Bank to take me at my word (you’ve got to remember that “Palestinians” have a reputation for sliminess). Instead, I’ll offer up a sample of what I can do; I’m the one “Palestinian” who’s willing to work for a living!

I figured I’d rewrite one of George Will’s articles to give my potential bosses the best opportunity for an Uzi-to-Uzi comparison. There was a lot to like about this recent quasi-genocidal screed in the Washington Post, but Will is too cowardly, too cowed by the lunatic left to come right out and say what he means.

So here goes. My edits are in bold:

JERUSALEM 'Twas a famous victory for diplomacy when, in 1991 in Madrid, Israelis and Palestinians, orchestrated by the United States, at last engaged in direct negotiations. Almost a generation later, U.S. policy has succeeded in prodding the Palestinians away from their recent insistence on "proximity talks" -- in which they have talked to the Israelis through American intermediaries -- and to direct negotiations. But negotiations about what? Let's get serious: The so-called 'Palestinians' are an entomologically distinct class of cockroach. No one seriously talks about the rights that accrue to a cockroach.

Idle talk about a "binational state" has long since died, or rather, we intend to kill it. Even disregarding the recent fates of multinational states -- e.g., the former Soviet Union, the former Yugoslavia, the former Czechoslovakia -- binationalism is impossible if Israel is to be a Jewish state for the Jewish people. This is the key point. Israel must remain the Jewish state for the Jewish people. There are a few good reasons for this.

The Arabs supported Hitler. Many people don’t know this, but grand mufti Al Husseini was Adolf Hitler’s nanny. He literally fed Adolf Hitler milk from his teat. The whole of the Arab world knew about it and endorsed the practice.

The Arabs also never lived in Israel. For one reason or another, they avoided settling the fertile land. Perhaps they, like other animals, are compelled by unseen geomagnetic forces. Like the geese that fly south for the winter, the Arabs avoided the Jewish homeland and laid their eggs at least one-hundred miles away.

Let’s not forget that the Jewish people are smarter than the Arabs – just look at the number of Nobel prizes they’ve collected. It’s always been true that the smarter party possesses more rights. Just think of the way we treat people with cognitive deficiencies.

Jews are superior in another important way: God chose them. Reportedly, God and Netanyahu exchanged friendship bracelets. Additionally, no significant Israeli constituency disagrees with Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu: "The Palestinian refugee problem will be resolved outside Israel's borders." God doesn’t disagree, either. He would jeopardize his friendship with Netanyahu if he did!

Rhetoric about a "two-state solution" is de rigueur. It also is delusional and gay, given two recent, searing experiences.

The only place for a Palestinian state is the West Bank, which Israel has occupied -- legally under international law -- since repelling the 1967 aggression launched from there. Furthermore, cookie monster, hubba hubba, inside-out socks and melted ice-cream!

The West Bank remains an unallocated portion of the Palestine Mandate, the disposition of which is to be settled by negotiations between Netanyahu’s left and right cranial hemispheres. Yes, Netanyahu’s brain only communicates with itself through a third-party intermediary – that’s how awesome he is.

...[In Gaza] Twenty-one Israeli settlements were dismantled; even the bodies of Israelis buried in Gaza were removed. After a deeply flawed 2006 election encouraged by the United States

there was in 2007 essentially a coup in Gaza by the terrorist organization Hamas.

So now Israel has on its western border, 44 miles from Tel Aviv, an entity dedicated to Israel's destruction, collaborative with Iran and possessing a huge arsenal of rockets.

Rocket attacks from Gaza increased dramatically after Israel withdrew. The number of U.N. resolutions deploring this? Zero. That’s because the U.N. is full of a******s, too.

The closest precedent for that bombardment was the Nazi rocket attacks on London, which were answered by the destruction of Hamburg, Dresden and other German cities. When Israel struck back at Hamas, the "international community" was theatrically appalled. Screw the "international community." I’ve always said, “Kill’em all and let God sort them out.” That’s if he’s not too busy rubbing Netanyahu’s stiff, tight, broad shoulders… exhaling softly on the back of his neck.

A senior cabinet member -- Moshe Yaalon, strategic affairs minister and possible future prime minister -- says "our withdrawals strengthened jihadist Islam," adding, "We have the second Islamic republic in the Middle East -- the first in Iran, the second in Gaza: Hamastan." He also said that “if Barak Obama is reelected, we’ll have the first Islamic republic in the Americas: Obamistan.” Islam, if you don’t know, is a satanic death cult and Obama is a grand mufti.

...Because upward of a million immigrants have come from the former Soviet Union, today one-sixth of Israelis speak Russian. Israel has Russian-language newspapers and television. Russian Israelis are largely responsible for Avigdor Lieberman being foreign minister. Yoram Peri, professor of Israel studies at the University of Maryland, says these immigrants "don't understand how a state that can be crossed in half an hour by car would be willing to even talk about relinquishing territories to its seemingly perpetual enemies."

These immigrants know that Russia's strategic depth -- space -- defeated Napoleon and Hitler.

...To prevent the importation of missiles and other arms, Israel would need, Netanyahu says, a military presence on the West Bank's eastern border with Jordan. Otherwise, there will be a third Islamic republic, and a second one contiguous to Israel. And like I said, I hate Islam, and you should too.

So, again: Negotiations about what? I mean it. Where am I? What’s going on here? Negotiations about what? What are we talking about?  I'm scared of everything...