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‘Onion’ says Israel builds new settlement to host ‘future peace talks’

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Are you as sick of that mainstream locution — lands earmarked for the future Palestinian state– as I am? Beautiful work at the Onion, today. Excerpt:

As part of their continuing efforts to bring peace to the conflict-stricken region, Israeli government officials announced today the construction of a new settlement on Palestinian lands where future peace talks can be held. …

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu [said] “In fact, we should build more settlements so there can be even more places to negotiate.” Netanyahu noted that any individuals currently living on the future site of Israeli-Palestinian peace talks have exactly 36 hours to leave before they are forcibly removed.

Thanks to Helena Cobban.

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20 Responses

  1. seafoid
    August 12, 2013, 4:11 pm

    UK satirical magazine Private
    Eye has the following summer quiz

    “Guess which year this headline appeared..

    Hope for middle East peace at last as new Washington talks begin

    Was it
    a) 1968
    f) this week

    Answer : all of them “

  2. Taxi
    August 12, 2013, 5:12 pm

    LOL – onion tears of laughter!

    Why oh why do zionist settlers have such depressingly bad taste in architecture (as well as morals)? Might the peace process have a better chance if their hideous Frankenstein buildings were paint bombed like this before negotiations:

  3. eljay
    August 12, 2013, 5:29 pm

    Once again, the Onion nails it!

  4. mcohen
    August 12, 2013, 6:18 pm

    the problem is that the arab population is expanding leaving Israel with no choice but to build extra housing for them as the PA is bankrupt-compared to housing elsewhere in the middle east they are of a high standard
    here are some population statistics

    • Shingo
      August 12, 2013, 10:35 pm

      the problem is that the arab population is expanding leaving Israel with no choice but to build extra housing for them

      They’re not building housing for them but for Israeli citizens.

      And please, Harry’s place? You wold have more credibility linking to Stormfront.

      • tree
        August 13, 2013, 1:21 am

        They’re not building housing for them but for Israeli citizens.

        Correction: They are not building housing for them but for Israeli Jews. Israel goes out of its way NOT to build extra housing for its Arab non-Jewish population. It goes the other way and takes land away from the Palestinian citizens of Israel and gives it to Israeli Jews.

      • mcohen
        August 13, 2013, 1:50 am

        Shingo says


        the housing is for israeli citizens regardless of race colour or creed.and that includes arabs
        Unless you can prove otherwise.

      • Shingo
        August 13, 2013, 8:23 pm

        the housing is for israeli citizens regardless of race colour or creed.and that includes arabs

        Of course it is Mcohen.

        First you argue that it’s to accommodate Arabs, now you’re changing your story.

    • talknic
      August 13, 2013, 4:22 am

      mcohen points us towards

      The Palestinian population in the West Bank increased from 462,000 in 1949 to more than 2.5 million today.

      In Gaza, the population increased from 82,000 in 1949 to 1.7 million today

      By birth or thru seeking refuge from Israel’s wars? Of course it doesn’t tell us.

      • tree
        August 13, 2013, 5:42 am

        The figures for 1949 are off by about half. According to UN figures the Arab non-Jewish population of Mandate Palestine was in excess of 1.3 million and perhaps as high as 1.5 million. Roughly 750,000 Palestinians were ethnically cleansed from what became Israel, and somewhat over two thirds of those fled to the West Bank or Gaza, with less than a third going to other Arab states. So the refugee population alone in the West Bank and Gaza was above 500,000. If we take the low figure of 1.3 million Arab Palestinians in all of Mandate Palestine, subtract 150,000, the high figure for the number of Palestinians who remained in Israel after 1948-9 (low figure is 50,000), and then subtract an additional 250,000, the roughly one third of all refugees who fled to other areas besides the West Bank or Gaza, and we come up with

        1,300,000 -150,000-250,000= 900,000 Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza as a low figure, and 1,500,00-50,000-200,000=1,250,000 as the high figure.

        The low figure is nearly twice the figure provided for 1949 at the link, and the high figure is nearly 2.5 times the figure given.

        During roughly the same time period, Jewish population in Israel went from 1 million by the end of 1949 (after over 400,000 new immigrants arrived) to over 6 million today. 4,3 million are “sabras”, born in Israel.

    • just
      August 13, 2013, 5:18 am

      You have got to be kidding mcohen!

      No shame at all? Come on to your new home in Detroit…or Cleveland…or Pittsburgh.,,20256816,00.html

      By the way, Israel has always had a choice. Stop stealing land from the Palestinians and the ridiculous “immigration” policy.

  5. ckg
    August 12, 2013, 7:03 pm

     With the Onion you never know whether to laugh or cry.

  6. Balfour
    August 12, 2013, 7:09 pm

    I accept God as my personal real estate agent.

  7. Shingo
    August 12, 2013, 9:31 pm

    I love the banner

    The Onion
    America’s finest new source

  8. Hostage
    August 13, 2013, 12:22 am

    I said the same thing last month:

    If we’ve learned anything about camels and Zionists, then we know this sound bite deserved a follow-up question about all of those similar temporary undertakings that have turned into permanent Jewish outposts that eventually get utilities, roads, railway stations, and security walls:

    “If Secretary Kerry, whose efforts we support, were to pitch a tent halfway between here and Ramallah — that’s 15 minutes away driving time — I’m in it, I’m in the tent. And I’m committed to stay in the tent and negotiate for as long as it takes to work out a solution of peace and security between us and the Palestinians.”

    – Netanyahu quoted in a recent Washington Post interview link to

  9. American
    August 13, 2013, 12:55 am

    The Onion should buy the NYTs so America would have a national daily *news*
    paper. I’d love to see wimp Kerry’s admisson of o.k.’ing Israel’s latest and newest illegal building given the whoop ass treament it deserves.

    Timing of Israeli Housing Plans May Be Part of a Political Calculation


    JERUSALEM — Israel’s announcement this week that it was building more than 1,000 housing units in East Jerusalem and the West Bank appeared to be part of a political balancing act to satisfy many Israelis before it released 26 Palestinian prisoners, whose names were announced Monday.

    While Israel was not violating any formal agreement — Secretary of State John Kerry spent months persuading the Palestinians to talk without a settlement freeze or a promise of negotiations based on 1967 boundaries — analysts said the move had dealt a blow to the credibility of the fragile Palestinian leadership in the West Bank.

    Mr. Kerry said Monday that Israel’s announcements about settlements “were to some degree expected because we have known that there was going to be a continuation of some building in certain places.” But Mr. Kerry added that one announcement may have been “outside of that level of expectation,” and that he intended to speak to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu late Monday or early Tuesday. I’m sure that we will work out a path forward,” Mr. Kerry told reporters on a visit to Colombia. ”

    Actually Miz Kershner’s article is about how the anounced new building is only
    because Israel is being made to release 2 Palestine prisoners who killed settlers.
    That to calm down Israelis upset over the prisoner release Isr is building them a 1000 new units in Greater Israel.
    So see?….you cant blame Israel…’s only a ‘political’ move.

  10. Citizen
    August 13, 2013, 6:09 am

    Ynet reports:

    US Secretary of State John Kerry said on Monday that Israel’s announcement of new settlements in the West Bank and East Jerusalem “were to some degree expected,” but reiterated that “The United States of America views all of the settlements as illegitimate.”

    All of the settlements, not just the newest ones announced? If Kerry said this last Monday, it marks a return to the US’s official explicit stance back during Carter Era, a stance away from Reagan’s stance ignoring legality, stressing settlements were merely “a problem.”

  11. Citizen
    August 13, 2013, 6:16 am

    Reuters Politics ✔ @ReutersPolitics

    U.S. policy is to view all Israeli settlements as illegitimate: Secretary of State Kerry, speaking in Bogota #developing
    4:39 PM – 12 Aug 2013

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