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You say Jucheck, I say CHKJEW, let’s call the whole thing off

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Many computer users have been startled, some alarmed by the appearance, in recent years, of the jucheck.exe (pronounced jewcheck?) software begging to be installed on desktops, laptops and tablets. The executable file which is produced and distributed by Oracle is in fact a small program that automatically updates a computer’s Java software (ju is an acronym for java update). However, according to some websites, virus programs have been found masquerading as this little Jucheck program and these could cause damage to computer files.

  jucheck

The worries caused by Jucheck are widespread but mostly unfounded. According to Reid Wrighthead, a computer analyst at the Jerusalem based Machshev Research Institute, Jucheck is often confused with the notorious CHKJEW (pronounced checkjew), an old DOS program command which was popular in the early 90s. Running CHKJEW returned the number of Jews that had been surfing an early version of the Internet on a particular machine. The CHKJEW command was discontinued by Microsoft in 1994 due to the combined objections of a wide spectrum of religious and civil rights groups which charged that the command was discriminatory and illegal according to privacy laws.

Abe Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) states that he is a Holocaust survivor and a computer illiterate, thus it is obvious to him, that the existence of the Jucheck program implies an appearance if not the intent of anti-Semitic expression among a certain segment of the computing community. Foxman states that his organization has launched a multimillion dollar investigation into the phenomenon.

On the other end of the political spectrum, many Israel/Palestine activists believe that the Jucheck program is actually a trojan which was developed jointly by Israeli and American intelligence agencies for the purpose of monitoring those who are considered enemies of the Jewish State. The activists say that Jucheck can copy and transfer files from infected computers to a collection facility in Tel Aviv. Also, it is believed that Jucheck can use the infected computer’s microphone to record conversations of those in the immediate vicinity.

This writer has not been able to verify the validity of any of the claims against the Jucheck program.

Ira Glunts
About Ira Glunts

Ira Glunts is a retired college librarian who lives in Madison, NY. His twitter handle is @abushalom

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18 Responses

  1. radii
    radii on September 11, 2012, 10:27 am

    any and all of the scenarios seem plausible

  2. marc b.
    marc b. on September 11, 2012, 10:29 am

    it’s not april 1st?

    The worries caused by Jucheck are widespread but mostly unfounded. According to Reid Wrighthead, a computer analyst at the Jerusalem based Machshev Research Institute, Jucheck is often confused with the notorious CHKJEW (pronounced checkjew), an old DOS program command which was popular in the early 90s. Running CHKJEW returned the number of Jews that had been surfing an early version of the Internet on a particular machine.

    huh?

  3. Mooser
    Mooser on September 11, 2012, 12:43 pm

    “Running CHKJEW returned the number of Jews that had been surfing”

    Including, of course, “Iceberg”, the coolest guy on the beach.

    • marc b.
      marc b. on September 11, 2012, 5:10 pm

      “Running CHKJEW returned the number of Jews that had been surfing”

      Including, of course, “Iceberg”, the coolest guy on the beach.

      funny. i hope you’re still using your special ‘ethnicity’ password when posting comments here. (although i think weiss uses the CHKJEW upgrade, FORSCIN, to track commenters)

      EDIT.
      oh. sorry TSU, i see that joke’s already been taken.

      • Mooser
        Mooser on September 12, 2012, 12:26 pm

        “oh. sorry TSU, i see that joke’s already been taken.”

        By MAD Magazine, decades ago, in “A MAD Look at Surfing” but I’ve never forgotten it. It first mystified, then sustained and nourished me for over 40 years:

        She: See him? He’s the coolest guy on the beach. He’s so cool the other surfers call him “Iceberg”!
        He: Iceberg? Who ever heard of a Jewish surfer?

        Now anyone reading this thread can experience the life-enhancing properties of this jest. And I’ve got today’s mitzvah crossed off my to-do list.

    • Bumblebye
      Bumblebye on September 11, 2012, 6:58 pm

      I bet I know the gang wot dunnit! They’re currently hiding out behind my tower; the Kaktus Kitts, disguises from Disney Central Casting, favorite uphill hike the Trouser Trail! Been around for four weeks now, have to get me some sheriffs to round ’em up, then we’ll all be safe again.

  4. tear-stained uzi
    tear-stained uzi on September 11, 2012, 1:24 pm

    I tried downloading jucheck.exe, but it was blocked by my new antivirus software, Foreskin Defender Pro.

  5. pabelmont
    pabelmont on September 11, 2012, 2:42 pm

    Madness to install any software whose author you do not know. Madness. As we say in NYC, “Ju no wha I mean?”

  6. hophmi
    hophmi on September 11, 2012, 2:46 pm

    “This writer has not been able to verify the validity of any of the claims against the Jucheck program.”

    Then why is it here???

    • Woody Tanaka
      Woody Tanaka on September 11, 2012, 2:59 pm

      “Then why is it here???”

      Whatever the reason, I’m sure it will be more palatable (and more moral) than your reasons for lying to protect the murderer of James Miller.

    • Cliff
      Cliff on September 11, 2012, 3:20 pm

      hoppy is deeply concerned about the content on MW. He is currently developing a blues/techno/dubstep/cos-play tribute band called Tears for Fears wherein he dresses up as an exploded carton of milk and screams into a mic about world-wide antisemitism for hours at a time.

      Please donate. All proceeds are going to getting him a new set of retainers.

      • tear-stained uzi
        tear-stained uzi on September 11, 2012, 10:55 pm

        LOL! — I’d pay good $$$ (okay, maybe 2 shekels) to see the hop-frog in his “exploded carton of milk” (wtf?!) — but sounds kinda emo to me, tho.

        Maybe in another 20 yrs he can open for the Chili PEPpers in TA!

    • ToivoS
      ToivoS on September 11, 2012, 7:54 pm

      hophmi wails into the ether Then why is it here???

      Why for you dear boy, just for you. It is called a snare for the literal minded fanatic that is blind to satire or any form of humor short of slapstick.

    • eljay
      eljay on September 11, 2012, 8:12 pm

      >> Then why is it here???

      Good point. Hypothetical issues should either be substantiated or avoided. It’s a shame that Zio-supremacists – who have no qualms about constantly raising the spectre of Iran’s unsubtantiated “nuclear weapons program” – don’t follow their own advice.

  7. ColinWright
    ColinWright on September 11, 2012, 3:06 pm

    “…On the other end of the political spectrum, many Israel/Palestine activists believe that the Jucheck program is actually a trojan which was developed jointly by Israeli and American intelligence agencies for the purpose of monitoring those who are considered enemies of the Jewish State. The activists say that Jucheck can copy and transfer files from infected computers to a collection facility in Tel Aviv…

    …and to cleverly disguise it, they labeled it Jucheck? Did I miss something here?

  8. CitizenC
    CitizenC on September 11, 2012, 5:57 pm

    Good work Ira. It should also be obvious that PayPal is a conduit to Hamas. I hope Abe is looking into that.

  9. rws450
    rws450 on September 11, 2012, 10:45 pm

    WTF? I thought it was checking for Jackson University.

  10. The Hasbara Buster
    The Hasbara Buster on September 12, 2012, 2:32 am

    I believe Ira Glunt’s computer, infected by Jucheck, automatically sent this nonsense for publication in Mondoweiss.

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