UNIFIED JERUSALEM, GREATER ISRAEL (August 14, 2050) Social media is a buzz with righteous indignation over the new Israeli national football jersey sporting a symbol of what looks like a Palestinian youth throwing a rock, right next to the Nike swoosh symbol. Newspaper editorials and liberal commentators are saying it’s time for a change as these symbols do great harm to the legacy of the 15,000 or so Palestinians left in Greater Israel.
This football jersey has resurfaced the controversial history of the “Palestine Wars,” which refers to the period from 2008-2020 when then Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was forced to ethnically “re-arrange” the Palestinians of that day. As Netanyahu explained at the time Israel “needed a final solution to the attacks on Israel by the indigenous population whose claims to land were of course secondary to our biblical ones.” As the noted Israeli/American historian Alan Dershowitz Jr. stated in his recent book How the West Bank Was Won: Making Palestine Majority Jewish, the Palestinians were a noble primitive people who could not withstand the changes on the ground. “It’s a stain on the fabric of our great Israeli nation that we could not fully civilize such people and instead had to remove them for their own good,” Dershowitz lamented.
In recent years, challenges by revisionist academics have shed new light on the wars. While there is agreement that Israel’s motives were of course pure and noble, there is growing acknowledgement that execution may have been harsh from the perspective of the Palestinians. The historians note that the wars were started by Hamas, who claimed some undefined right to resist occupation and self-determination while citing Israeli human rights violations and several other outdated concepts no longer recognized by the United Nations. These attacks resulted in the Israeli-led, US funded “Weed and Seed” strategy where some 5 or 6 million Palestinians were either killed or expelled. As biblical scholar, and host of HBO show “Forgotten Time,” Bill Maher III explains the land was being wasted because it was not being industrialized and optimized for future Israeli population growth, which according to the Newest Testament is its only purpose.
However, even Mr. Maher, a noted liberal, is upset by the new mascot on the foot-ballers uniform. His “New Rules for Post-Genocidal Treatment” has surpassed 140 million “hugs” on Amazon-Googles’ “Vegetate Tube” making it the most watched clip, after the cute cat being eaten by the genetically modified horse. Other liberal entertainers are now chiming in that Israel has gone too far for the Western world not to condemn. The strong noble silhouette of a Palestinian youth hurling a rock has led to social media outrage. From Twitter-book, Oscar, Emmy and Grammy winner Blue Ivy Carter has said “this is despicable, a tragedy that can’t be denied or ignored. We must stand with the Philistines of yesteryear, we must stand up and protest this injustice. I will potentially-consider-maybe canceling my appearance in Israel next week, unless they raise my fee.” Polls show across America that people now say that “maybe it was a mistake to support the killing of 5 or 6 million people, but we know the Israeli motives were good, so we will sleep on it.”
This year marks the 30 anniversary of the end of the hostilities instigated by the Palestinians, where a total of 250 Israeli soldiers were killed. CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC and MSNBC-FOX will hold a simultaneous special, profiling each and every soldier with lots of pictures and sad music, entitled “Defending the land that God gave to Them.” The U.S. President will again lead an international delegation of state dignitaries to Israel to lay a wreath at tombs of the soldiers who gallantly protected Israel from the “indigenous menace” as they were called by the Israeli media, when not being called “savages,” “terrorists” or “sand-niggas.”
This chastising of the new uniform mascot has even reached the White House. President Juanita Clinton-Bush, daughter of Chelsea Clinton and her second husband George Prescott Bush (who was once known as the “little brown one” by his grandfather the late President George H.W. Bush) released a statement. President Clinton-Bush solemnly noted, “America too had faced an issue over its somewhat controversial treatment of the indigenous population, who did not understand everything we offered them. However once we stood up and had a public outcry that led to the renaming of professional sports teams including the Redskins, Braves, Chiefs and Indians we repaired all the past damage.” She continued, “Israel should be ashamed of itsself and should immediately start allowing the few thousand Palestinians left in the area to re-claim their dignity by allowing them to open up some casinos to heal this historic blunder. Now let’s play some football!”
With that, all the liberals cheered, and went back to being silent.