I’m finished with Beirut; I’m moving to Israel.
There is a remarkable philanthropic organization called Nefesh B’Nefesh seeking people just like me for “the first ever formal initiative to populate Israel’s northern region with English speaking Olim.”
My options are a little limited; I can only move to the Galilee or the Golan Heights to qualify for the benefits package. But what a package it is! Take a look:
– Regional workshops on technical aspects of Aliyah
– Social programs with other Olim [immigrants] and Israelis in the area throughout the year
– Dedicated regional employment assistance, helping with job search resume writing skills, etc.
– Monthly contact with Nefesh B’Nefesh staff via phone calls and emails
– Guided assistance in dealing with government offices
– Transportation assistance to ulpan [language training]
– Financial incentives
Yes! Financial incentives! Personally, I love money. Really, I do. But I would have been willing to “Go North” for no money at all. I have a strong pioneering spirit – and the allure of so much Golan to settle sets me tingling.
I can picture myself there now: sun shining brightly in my lustrous curls, the top two or three buttons of my shirt undone, sleeves rolled up to just below the elbow, skin bronzing. I’ll cast my keen gaze out over my domain, from my heights… as I water my lawn. Frontier living! What an adventure…
I have lots of decisions to make. I’ll need a car so I’m going to lease a Prius. I don’t really have the money right now, but my friends at Nefesh have that covered. I’m going to get “up to $16,000 over a period of two years” to “purchase or lease” a car. Fuck Yeah!! I get a new car!
But I’ll need furniture, too. And a new wardrobe; I can’t be a frontiersman in just a t-shirt and jeans – I’m after the whole lifestyle aesthetic. Well, no problem. My Nefesh money-tree just spouted another $25,000! That’s right – I get another $25,000 just for moving!!!!
I love your money, Israel… (Ahem) excuse me… I love you, Israel.
Wish me luck. There’s an application process and I haven’t applied yet. I think I’m a shoo-in though. I’m a college graduate who speaks English and loves free stuff (or at least, stuff other people are paying for). I mean, what could go wrong? It’s not like I’m a refugee or anything. Well… OK. I am a refugee, but I don’t have to tell them that. And I’d like it if you didn’t either.
Thank you, Mr. Tony Gelbart. As the philanthropist behind this dazzling scheme, I really can’t thank you enough. Really. I’m hoping that one day you’ll abandon your investment company in Boca Raton and move to Israel with me. We could get houses right next to each other and play badminton on weekends. We’ll be best friends!
XXX (hugs and kisses)