Its been 4 years since he has been in prison. 2 years since I last hugged him.
I hate it when I think too much. I was thinking about what could have been. How it could have been.
At my graduation, I could have been able to hug him, like all my other colleagues. My father would have hugged me tight, kissed me on my forehead, and told me “mapook, habibti” like everyone else’s father… My father would have BEEN there like everyone else’s…
As I was walking into the arena last night, 5th in line, out of a few hundred students, I looked up to the families waving and greeting us. I waved and got excited when I saw my family. I saw my mother, my sisters, pother in law, cousins, aunts, and uncles, but I did not see my dad… I was so close to tearing up.
“Nida, dont… dont you dare… suck it up, you dont want to ruin your eyeliner… you need to look pretty for the picture!”
I had to tell myself all of that, just to stop myself from crying like a loser.
Every time I turned around to see my family, as I was sitting, I kept imagining my father…
Its hard… It really is. Im not writing this to gain attention, im not like that. Im writing this because I need to let it all out some how…
I held in my tears all day yesterday. When we went out for lunch, i imagined him in front of me, instead of my uncle. Hugging me after I got ready. Hugging me before I went into the hall for the graduates. Hugging me and giving me flowers after the graduation…
All i did yesterday was laugh and smile. I kept in my true emotions.
He was on my mind all day, and all night.
I should be happy I graduated, but Im not… Im just not feelin’ it.
I feel like half of my heart is not in place.
As a matter of fact, it isnt.
My father completes me. I can never be truly happy without him.
I miss him… I love him…
This post first appeared on Nida Abubaker’s blog.