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Israel accuses Gaza children of using Hamas as human shields

ActivismIsrael/Palestine
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Israel car insurance premium increases due to Gaza rockets will be paid by Canada(photo:AFP)

Israel car insurance premium increases due to Gaza rockets will be paid by Canada (photo:AFP)

(The following article is a series of satirical  headlines originally published by Independent Jewish Voices – Canada)

*Headlines from Israel:

Israel accuses Gaza children of using Hamas as human shields

Allegations that Gaza children are using Hamas as human shields were further fueled by a video appearing to show Gaza children enticing Hamas militants to run near homes, UN shelters and playgrounds ahead of Israeli air strikes. “We are doing everything humanely possible to avoid combatant casualties”, said Lt. Col. Peter Lerner, a senior spokesman for the Israeli military. He called the killing of two militants near the U.N. refugee center that was shredded in a missile barrage, “a true tragedy,” and said the incident is under investigation.

Canadian Parliament offers to pay for Israeli car insurance premiums

The Conservatives, Liberals and NDP passed another unity bill late last night for Israeli citizens terrorized by Gaza rockets. “We stand with Israel against the economic devastation of rising car insurance due to Gaza rockets”, read the joint statement.

Israel destroys basement tunnels under Shifa Hospital in Gaza City

“A tunnel is a tunnel”, explained an Army spokesman yesterday, who wished to remain anonymous.

Israel accuses Gaza protesters of ignoring seal-hunt massacre

“Why aren’t they picking on the seal slaughter instead of us?” demands B’nai Brith spokesperson Frank Dimant.

Israeli Iron Dome missiles interceptors ruin Operation Protective Edge celebration

Tel Aviv fireworks were mistaken as Gaza rockets

Iron Dome technician explains they are very similar in size, speed and weight.

Israeli Intelligence Only 31-70% of the Gaza terrorists killed were civilians

According to the official Israeli Terrorism Center (ITIC), only 31-70% of the Gaza terrorists killed were civilians. The ITIC reports that 1,552 people have been killed in Gaza during the latest round of fighting. 467 (30%) are clearly combatants. Israel is doing all it can to minimize combatant deaths, the ITIC reports.

Israel is exercising its right to self-defense.

Explains that destroying Gaza’s water treatment plant necessary as it was a breeding ground for Palestinians

Israel accuses Gaza protesters of ignoring doping in the Tour de France

“Why aren’t they picking on the dopers instead of us”? sniffed celebrity humanist Elie Wiesel.

UN Statistics destroy Israel haters claims that Israel targeting too many civilians

According to the United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, Israel has improved its targeting accuracy in Gaza. As of August 7th, 1,935 Gazans have been killed, and 1,408 (73%) were civilians, while 527 (27%) were Hamas fighters.

The Israeli Institute for Counter-Terrorism, body count for Israel’s 2009 Cast Lead operation against Gaza shows that Israel killed 314 combatants, or 22% of those killed in Gaza during the 2009 operation. They conclude that 78% of those killed might have been civilians. “A 5% difference in civilians killed is something the world should be saying ‘Hallelujah’, instead of blaming Israel”, whined Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

Israel pulled out of Gaza in 2005

Why don’t they love us? wonders IDF drone pilot, Avigor Grossman.

Israel accuses Gaza protesters of ignoring Monsanto

“Why aren’t they picking on Monsanto instead of us”? asks Israeli Prime Minister Netanayhu.

The world’s most humane army aborts mission because Hamas militants were spotted near UN shelter

(video transcript)

In a video released by the IDF Spokesperson’s Unit, the pilot is clearly heard telling the command center, “It looks like there are people, possibly Hamas fighters, in our targeted area.” The response over the communication system states, “We’re not going to strike this UN shelter now, let’s move on.”

Israel Minister Accuses Hamas Of ‘Self-Genocide’

“They should have known what we are capable of”, defended Israeli Economic Minister Naftali Bennett.

Isreal defends Gaza City Playground hit – ‘We thought the see-saw was a rocket launcher’

“It could have been”, reasoned Israeli military spokesperson Lt. Col. Peter Lerner.

Israel accuses U.S. of reckless diplomacy

“Stop complicating things”, warned Prime Minister Netanyahu to John Kerry, while unpacking the latest missile shipments from the United States. Earlier in a video message to the US Congress, Mr. Netanyahu thanked them for continuing to send Israel its yearly $3.1 billion military aid package.

The Federation Combined Jewish Appeal (CJA) accuses anti-Zionist Jews of “chutzpah” for claiming to have “occupied” their Montreal lobby

“We’ll show you what a real occupation is”, snorted the Federation CJA.

Scott Weinstein
About Scott Weinstein

Scott Weinstein is Steering Committee member of Independent Jewish Voices - Canada) (IJV(C))

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13 Responses

  1. annie
    annie
    August 17, 2014, 3:38 pm

    “Why aren’t they picking on the seal slaughter instead of us?” demands B’nai Brith spokesperson Frank Dimant.

    sometimes it’s hard to tell the satire from the real thing. this reminds me of the satire on +972 about liberal zionists. http://972mag.com/satire-gaza/95249/

    they eventually placed “[satire]” at the top because it’s clear from the comments some people didn’t get it. they can’t even hear themselves.

    • michelle
      michelle
      August 17, 2014, 5:07 pm

      .
      my introduction to saturday night live was the same
      i was quite young and the skits seemed like the
      actual news/and ads as was their intention
      though when jane was called an ign, slu. it didn’t
      take me too long to ‘get it’
      though i have always prefered monty python
      .
      Israeli Intelligence …… get it ….. ha ha ha

      though flesh shredding shells and bombs removes all humor
      .
      G-d Bless
      .

    • FreddyV
      FreddyV
      August 18, 2014, 8:26 am

      It was only when I got halfway scanning this I had to scroll to the top to discover these were parody headlines, although it wasn’t that any of them seemed unlikely, it was because there were so many. I love the Naftali Bennett one about Gazans committing self genocide as they knew what Israel would do. Definitely something he would say.

      I may post some of these up on Facebook to see what kind of reaction I get from Zionists.

  2. Kathryn
    Kathryn
    August 17, 2014, 3:43 pm

    Actually it is spreading A LOT on Twitter without the “SATIRE” being included. Please state more clearly in the TITLE that it is indeed SATIRE!!!!

    Thanks

  3. Pixel
    Pixel
    August 17, 2014, 3:56 pm

    .
    Brilliant!

    • just
      just
      August 17, 2014, 4:01 pm

      It really is!

      My favorite: “celebrity humanist Eli Wiesel.”

  4. a blah chick
    a blah chick
    August 17, 2014, 4:28 pm

    In the past month I have become addicted to Twitter. That’s where I heard the allegation from the IDF supporters that Hamas fighters were holding children up in front of them while shooting. And several parents came back with the retort that that was simply nonsensical. One lady said that she could barely open a door holding a child much less maneuver on a battlefield.

    The MSM could have easily refuted these lies but refused to do so.

  5. seafoid
    seafoid
    August 17, 2014, 5:05 pm

    http://www.theguardian.com/business/2014/aug/17/sainsburys-removes-kosher-food-anti-israel-protesters

    “A Sainsbury’s branch removed kosher food from its shelves over fears that anti-Israeli protesters would attack it.
    The branch manager of the store in Holborn, central London ordered the section to be emptied on Saturday afternoon, while protesters outside picketed it calling for a boycott of Israeli goods. ”

    Obviously IDF massacres in Gaza are not kosher.

    • amigo
      amigo
      August 18, 2014, 10:41 am

      Nobody attacks the Israeli foodstuff.

      Activists just fill a shopping cart full and bring it to the checkout and ask for a manager.

      Of course, given enough activists willing to do this , then I imagine the stores would remove the stuff,(perishable I hope) from the shelves rather then having to put it all back several times over.

      Store manager, not a good career move as long as Apartheid Israel is running loose.

  6. MH
    MH
    August 17, 2014, 6:38 pm

    Israel accuses Gaza children of using Hamas as human shields.

    I assume that this headline posted on your home page somehow automatically.

    And guess what? Because I’m reading Mondoweiss, not The Onion, I gave it credence. For crying out loud, you’ve got it posted as a news story among news stories.

    Call me an idiot, but I expect my fellow idiots are legion.

    The Israelis turned so frankly bizarre so early in this conflict that I’ve given up limiting my expectations on the polemics. I almost didn’t click on it because I’d met my Gaza agita quota for the day and didn’t want to risk triggering a migraine.

    You need to take it down and do what damage control you can by printing a prominent correction for people making the link from Twitter, etc.

    • just
      just
      August 17, 2014, 7:05 pm

      Bless you.

      “Call me an idiot, but I expect my fellow idiots are legion.”

      rotfl!

    • pjdude
      pjdude
      August 17, 2014, 11:39 pm

      Poe’s law is in effect

  7. aiman
    aiman
    August 18, 2014, 6:01 am

    The petty “human shield” argument is enthusiastically uttered by so-called liberal Zionists. It’s one argument that does not separate Zionists

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