(The following article is a series of satirical headlines originally published by Independent Jewish Voices – Canada)
*Headlines from Israel:
Israel accuses Gaza children of using Hamas as human shields
Allegations that Gaza children are using Hamas as human shields were further fueled by a video appearing to show Gaza children enticing Hamas militants to run near homes, UN shelters and playgrounds ahead of Israeli air strikes. “We are doing everything humanely possible to avoid combatant casualties”, said Lt. Col. Peter Lerner, a senior spokesman for the Israeli military. He called the killing of two militants near the U.N. refugee center that was shredded in a missile barrage, “a true tragedy,” and said the incident is under investigation.
Canadian Parliament offers to pay for Israeli car insurance premiums
The Conservatives, Liberals and NDP passed another unity bill late last night for Israeli citizens terrorized by Gaza rockets. “We stand with Israel against the economic devastation of rising car insurance due to Gaza rockets”, read the joint statement.
Israel destroys basement tunnels under Shifa Hospital in Gaza City
“A tunnel is a tunnel”, explained an Army spokesman yesterday, who wished to remain anonymous.
Israel accuses Gaza protesters of ignoring seal-hunt massacre
“Why aren’t they picking on the seal slaughter instead of us?” demands B’nai Brith spokesperson Frank Dimant.
Israeli Iron Dome missiles interceptors ruin Operation Protective Edge celebration
Tel Aviv fireworks were mistaken as Gaza rockets
Iron Dome technician explains they are very similar in size, speed and weight.
Israeli Intelligence Only 31-70% of the Gaza terrorists killed were civilians
According to the official Israeli Terrorism Center (ITIC), only 31-70% of the Gaza terrorists killed were civilians. The ITIC reports that 1,552 people have been killed in Gaza during the latest round of fighting. 467 (30%) are clearly combatants. Israel is doing all it can to minimize combatant deaths, the ITIC reports.
Israel is exercising its right to self-defense.
Explains that destroying Gaza’s water treatment plant necessary as it was a breeding ground for Palestinians
Israel accuses Gaza protesters of ignoring doping in the Tour de France
“Why aren’t they picking on the dopers instead of us”? sniffed celebrity humanist Elie Wiesel.
UN Statistics destroy Israel haters claims that Israel targeting too many civilians
According to the United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, Israel has improved its targeting accuracy in Gaza. As of August 7th, 1,935 Gazans have been killed, and 1,408 (73%) were civilians, while 527 (27%) were Hamas fighters.
The Israeli Institute for Counter-Terrorism, body count for Israel’s 2009 Cast Lead operation against Gaza shows that Israel killed 314 combatants, or 22% of those killed in Gaza during the 2009 operation. They conclude that 78% of those killed might have been civilians. “A 5% difference in civilians killed is something the world should be saying ‘Hallelujah’, instead of blaming Israel”, whined Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
Israel pulled out of Gaza in 2005
Why don’t they love us? wonders IDF drone pilot, Avigor Grossman.
Israel accuses Gaza protesters of ignoring Monsanto
“Why aren’t they picking on Monsanto instead of us”? asks Israeli Prime Minister Netanayhu.
The world’s most humane army aborts mission because Hamas militants were spotted near UN shelter
In a video released by the IDF Spokesperson’s Unit, the pilot is clearly heard telling the command center, “It looks like there are people, possibly Hamas fighters, in our targeted area.” The response over the communication system states, “We’re not going to strike this UN shelter now, let’s move on.”
Israel Minister Accuses Hamas Of ‘Self-Genocide’
“They should have known what we are capable of”, defended Israeli Economic Minister Naftali Bennett.
Isreal defends Gaza City Playground hit – ‘We thought the see-saw was a rocket launcher’
“It could have been”, reasoned Israeli military spokesperson Lt. Col. Peter Lerner.
Israel accuses U.S. of reckless diplomacy
“Stop complicating things”, warned Prime Minister Netanyahu to John Kerry, while unpacking the latest missile shipments from the United States. Earlier in a video message to the US Congress, Mr. Netanyahu thanked them for continuing to send Israel its yearly $3.1 billion military aid package.
The Federation Combined Jewish Appeal (CJA) accuses anti-Zionist Jews of “chutzpah” for claiming to have “occupied” their Montreal lobby
“We’ll show you what a real occupation is”, snorted the Federation CJA.