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First woman President nukes Iran

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WASHINGTON – President Hillary Clinton, making good on her 2008 threat to “totally obliterate” Iran, celebrated her first week in office by ordering a nuclear strike on Iran’s capital city of Tehran. As a squadron of F-35s streaked through the sky toward the Mideast metropolis of over seven million, President Clinton outlined her foreign policy to a bevy of reporters at a White House press conference.

“I’m not here to bake cookies, people,” the President announced. “Women CEOs have to be twice as good as the boys. Which is why I went nuclear. You get the entire job done in an hour and a half. Funny you macho sexist creeps didn’t think of this.”

Amid a hushed assemblage of media representatives, CNN correspondent Christiane Amanpour was the first to speak, asking the president just why she had done this.

“There’s nothing in your ‘Distrust and Verify‘ plan that should apply here, Madam President,” Ms. Amanpour said. “The Iranian government has not bombed Israel; neither has Iran been caught with nuclear material. And – just to play devil’s advocate – why can Israel have nuclear weapons, while Iran can’t?

“You know, Christiane,” smiled the president evenly, as she pressed a little button on the podium to summon the Secret Service, “my friend, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, once said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other…'”

As Ms. Amanpour disappeared behind a posse of black-suited agents, the president called on CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer.

“Not that I have any real problem with this,” began Mr. Blitzer cautiously, “but shouldn’t Congress have approved this strike?”

Eyes flashing defiance, fists methodically clenching then unclenching, President Clinton announced that she was “fed up” with “male media bias.”

“Ever since aerial bombardment was invented, white male American presidents have launched missile strikes without congressional approval,” the President shot back. “My stars, look at Nixon; look at Reagan. Look at Obama paving the way for presidents of color to bomb Syria and Iraq without permission – even pioneering unauthorized drone strikes. Call this equal-opportunity Armageddon, but if Harry S. Truman can drop the big one without congressional approval, so can I.”

Although some “it’s-time-for-a-woman” presidential campaigners say they feel betrayed by the president’s nuclear strike, it does, in fact, square with decades of Hillary Clinton’s military policy. This includes Mrs. Clinton’s support for massive government aid and commercial arms sales to rightwing countries, including Israel and Saudi Arabia; her 2002 vote in the Senate for the war in Iraq; and, as Secretary of State, her military intervention in Libya. Interviewed on CBS News about the 2011 ouster of Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi, Mrs. Clinton quipped, “We came, we saw, he died.” Recently, former Republican Florida Representative Joe Scarborough remarked, “Hillary is the neocon’s neocon… There’s hardly been a military engagement that Hillary hasn’t been for in the past 20 years.”

Indeed, there is some indication that, among neocons of note, Hillary Clinton’s presence in the White House may actually have advanced the cause of feminism. Reached by phone, former presidential candidate and Hillary-hater Donald Trump expressed “total support” for President Clinton’s bombing, admitting that, because of it, he has realized he is a “sexist pig.”

“I used to think feminists wanted to tear down our military/industrialist complex and make it all sissy-socialist. But if feminists can help us get rid of the towel-head menace, they’re OK by me. You also got to admire how the little lady never really responded to those Black Lives Matter activists who kept interrupting her campaign – proving conclusively that they don’t matter. And if feminism had anything to do with how Hillary has not lifted a finger to change the drug laws or sentencing guidelines that she and her hubby devised in the 1990s to overflow the prisons with super-predators, I got to say, All Hail Hillary.”

Adding that he regrets all the sexist things he has ever done or said in his life, Mr. Trump announced that he now believes menstruation is “neat.” To atone for his sexism, Mr. Trump stated, he would sign an open letter being circulated by a group of renowned misogynists, including Lawrence Summers and Mel Gibson, apologizing for male chauvinism and promoting the global equality of all the sexes, “providing they are of the Caucasian gender.”

Meanwhile, in Iran, reports are that the mushroom cloud over Tehran is dissipating, while fireballs, shockwaves, and radiation are beginning to encircle the Earth, causing nuclear winter and the probable extinction of life as we know it. Back at the White House press conference, Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly speaks up.

“Madam President, I say with all humility that I am in awe of how you overcame your weepy, liberal female concern for millions of supposedly defenseless Iranians. Bravo. How did you do it?”

“Assertiveness workshops,” answers President Clinton. “I also channeled the powerful women in history, like Catherine the Great and Golda Meir. They helped me to see my strike was a sort of ‘bomb for a people in a country without a bomb.’ Besides, what did any of those Iranian women ever do to get me elected?”

Laughing joyfully, the two women rushed across the pressroom, threw their arms around one another, and hugged, like sisters.

Susie Day
About Susie Day

Susie Day writes a regular political satire column and lives in NYC.

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6 Responses

  1. Rafi
    Rafi
    April 1, 2016, 11:34 am

    bravo. you should this stuff like every day. much better than the onion. or your regular weepy liberal bs.

    mel gibson is anti women? ha, i just knew about his critical stance on israel. call it intersectionality.

    golda grew up in wisconsin, which is what? two states over from il?

    of course truman had the ok from congress, war was declared after pearl harbor.

  2. Froggy
    Froggy
    April 1, 2016, 11:46 am

    Haha ! Very good.

    Congrats, MW. You really hit the spot with every one of your April Fool’s articles.

  3. Kay24
    Kay24
    April 1, 2016, 12:27 pm

    How many April Fool’s articles written for us this time?

  4. Laurent Weppe
    Laurent Weppe
    April 1, 2016, 12:50 pm

    You should have waited until next year to post it.

    • eljay
      eljay
      April 1, 2016, 1:19 pm

      || Laurent Weppe: You should have waited until next year to post it. ||

      It’s funnier as a joke this year than as a reality next year. ;-)

  5. Ahli
    Ahli
    April 2, 2016, 5:01 pm

    This will totally help with the apocalyptic Christian-Zionist plan to create a Jewish-only state,which must be called Israel, all the way out to the Euphrates. Then, according to the prophecy as outlined in ‘ The Late, Great Planet Earth’ and preached by famed Christian televangelist’s , the Jewish people can 1) make love with the anti-Christ for 3 and 1/2 years ,2) reinstate the ancient Levitical practice of animal sacrifice 3) be in their proper place geographically so that: 1) the planet can experience nuclear war all over and be destroyed, 2) Christ can finally return, 3) all Christians who believe these things (whether dead or alive) and exactly 144,000 Jewish people who have suddenly become Christian or ‘seen the light’ will be whisked to heaven, and 4)everyone else will be thrown into the fires of hell for all eternity. Things are happening according to plan, and the heavenly end of life on planet Earth will be here soon. Let your spirit rest in this reassuring and life-affirming Christian-Zionist doctrine of how things need to be.

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