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April 1

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In a shocking move, Birthright Israel announced today, April 1, that the well known travel-program-cum-dating-service will no longer be offering trips to Israel for Jewish young people. In an exclusive interview with Mondoweiss Birthright CEO Gidi Mark explains, “We finally figured it out, the best way to build support for Israel is to have as little contact with Israel as possible.”

The New York Times has decided that it cannot cover Sheldon Adelson’s involvement in American politics because doing so accurately would entail the use of classic anti-Semitic tropes of Jewish influence. The judgment was rendered by public editor Margaret Sullivan, who wrote in a April 1st goodbye note to readers: “We’d really like to cover the Republican candidates’ appeals for Adelson’s support, but we can’t do so because the reporting would inevitably bring up anti-Semitic stereotypes.”

President Hillary Clinton, making good on her 2008 threat to “totally obliterate” Iran, celebrated her first week in office by ordering a nuclear strike on Iran’s capital city of Tehran. As a squadron of F-35s streaked through the sky toward the Mideast metropolis of over seven million, President Clinton outlined her foreign policy to a bevy of reporters at a White House press conference. “I’m not here to bake cookies, people,” the President announced.

Samih al-Masri, a Palestinian resident of a refugee camp in the Gaza Strip, has become suddenly aware of the substandard conditions in which he lives after logging on to Facebook, just as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has warned. Masri says, on account of the memes, he was reevaluating everything: “My family has loved Gaza ever since my my grandparents were driven here from Jaffa by Zionist forces in 1948. It’s the only home we know. But now that I realize not every place is enclosed by a fence, with only three highly restricted points of access, I’m pretty pissed off.”